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I'm the queer person who has publicly claimed all the labels of the spectrum. I'm the queer person cishet ppl point to, to try to delegitimize queer identities. But here's the thing...
In a world which presumes cisgender heterosexuality is the norm, queer & trans people often have to try on many different identities before they find the one that fits. We know that we're different, but we don't always know how until we take the labels out for a test drive.
I didn't even know what trans was really until I was an adult. & I feared what being trans would mean. Even when I did realize I was trans & knew I needed to transition I still convinced myself I was binary bc I knew it would be easier to live that way. Even though it wasn't true
The world doesn't take kindly to people like me. & so it makes sense that for most of my life I desperately tried to fit into the boxes society had set for me. But I couldn't be straight. So I tried to fit into the bisexual box. Then I got shit for that. So I said I was a lesbian
I came out as a gay woman. It was a simple box. But as soon as I came out, I had a creeping suspicion that scared the crap out of me. I pushed it down as far as I could by being as femme as I could. If I couldn't be straight, I would conform to my AGAB as much as possible.
When I couldn't pretend to be a woman anymore, when I realized I was trans, I convinced myself that I was a binary trans man. It wouldn't be easy. But it would be easier than being NB. At least it would be easier to transition & I'd have a chance of being able to explain it.
It was only once I'd had all the surgeries I really needed, once I'd connected with community, once I'd addressed the dysphoria & had enough therapy, that I was able to embrace who I was. And who I was defied boxes.
I wasn't straight. I wasn't gay in the way cishet ppl think of it. I wasn't a man or a woman. I was fluid. In every sense of the word. Every box I ever tried to shove myself into, I leaked out of. BC I wasn't meant to fix the boxes.
I now believe that G-d made me genderfluid & fluid in my attraction to others. That they made me queer in ways that defy simple explanation. And that this is a sacred gift. It took me a long time to get there & a lot of unlearning the self-hatred I had been taught.
I wasn't confused & I wasn't illegitimate. But society didn't know what to do w/ me. So they tried to contain me. Tried to teach me how to shove myself neatly into the boxes set forth to me. And when every box broke or I spilled out of them, they tried to delegitimize me.
But here's the thing, friends, our fluidity, our indefinability, our transcendence beyond labels of man or woman, gay or straight, neatly packaged little words, is a beautiful gift. And it is something to be treasured and cherished.
You're not the one who's confused. They are. Because they can't define you. And that drives them crazy. Take pride in who you are & who you were born to be. This is a gift. Treasure it. Love it. Cherish it. Your indefinability is the stuff of dreams.
Getting a lot of traction so I want to let folks know I'm working towards becoming a psychologist & providing clinical services to underserved populations. I rely on the support of community to keep going. My linktree if you want to help support me: https://linktr.ee/zfreinstatler
