I think we need to actually emphasize that most BDSM does not take place in a "scene" or community and that the rates of people polled in various countries show that the majority of kink is a part of a couple's larger relationship.

Most dommes are girlfriend/wife dommes, not pro, or living the lifestyle as a larger form of cultural immersion. Unless we endorse the larger argument that couples fuck on the benevolent sufferance of the female half of these pairs, I am going to assume they enjoy it.

Weirdos like me who *only* get sexual response strong enough to use our parts from kink are probably the minority. I see the attraction of a community, because it gives a framework to talk about, in effect, being a super fan of some very specific things.

Probably my biggest criticism of the BDSM communities that evolve is that it can be a pile of power fetishists trying to justify hierarchies they like the aesthetic of so much they want it to be real. This leads to domism. We over emphasize the power doms should have on everyone.

This tends to create an artificial performance based skill hiearchy- show boating, and things that take a lot of technical skill become a place for doms to get a lot of attention. Weirdly, equally skilled subs, not so much.

I do think it can also be a dialectic- we create a removed fantasy culture of wannabe hellfire club to make the awful kinks safe and or justified, but the ridiculous fetish fandom creates periodic departures from reality and can enforce very arbitrary norms.