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Hey, so I'm waiting in a parking lot for an hour for a wedding to be over so I can drive people home, and so I'm gonna kill some time by dumping out some psychology thoughts.
Today I wanna look at one of the most badly misunderstood conditions - Borderline Personality Disorder
Today I wanna look at one of the most badly misunderstood conditions - Borderline Personality Disorder
Full disclosure - I am almost certain that I *have* BPD.
I do not - and will never - have an official diagnosis, for reasons I will get to later.
I do however have a psych background and know how to use the DSM-V, and trust me, I fit the categories.
So why no diagnosis?
I do not - and will never - have an official diagnosis, for reasons I will get to later.
I do however have a psych background and know how to use the DSM-V, and trust me, I fit the categories.
So why no diagnosis?
Well...BPD is not exactly kindly regarded.
Be honest with yourself about your own reaction to reading that I have it.
Was your first thought something like "no you don't because you're not evil/I'm not scared of you/you're not a monster?"
Trust me, I've heard those many times
Be honest with yourself about your own reaction to reading that I have it.
Was your first thought something like "no you don't because you're not evil/I'm not scared of you/you're not a monster?"
Trust me, I've heard those many times
Was there a thought of suddenly trusting me less? Of needing bigger boundaries?
I get it. There's a reputation. Everyone seems to know at least one BPD person who goes around ruining lives.
I...told the stories myself about an old friend.
But then I learned more.
I get it. There's a reputation. Everyone seems to know at least one BPD person who goes around ruining lives.
I...told the stories myself about an old friend.
But then I learned more.
The fact is, a lot of the medical and psychological community tend to view folks with BPD as write-offs, whether they say it or not.
Difficult, erratic, manipulative. Not worth the time to work with, they don't recover.
Recent work is moving from that, but the stigma is there.
Difficult, erratic, manipulative. Not worth the time to work with, they don't recover.
Recent work is moving from that, but the stigma is there.
I don't have a diagnosis because I have seen the way professionals have treated friends.
Disregarding their issues as seeking behaviour or manipulation. Treating them like children, or criminals.
Medicating them with heavy sedatives, or else denying needed treatment.
Disregarding their issues as seeking behaviour or manipulation. Treating them like children, or criminals.
Medicating them with heavy sedatives, or else denying needed treatment.
BPD does not make you a monster or a problem or unlovable.
It *does* absolutely cause difficulties for the person who has it, and those around them, especially if the condition is misunderstood and not treated.
So let's learn a little more about what BPD actually is.
It *does* absolutely cause difficulties for the person who has it, and those around them, especially if the condition is misunderstood and not treated.
So let's learn a little more about what BPD actually is.
BPD is classified as a "Cluster B Personality Disorder", a group classified as being "emotional/dramatic/erratic", which also includes Narcissistic, Histrionic, and AntiSocial personality disorders.
"Cluster B" is often used as a derogatory, and that in itself is damaging to us.
"Cluster B" is often used as a derogatory, and that in itself is damaging to us.
According to science, the causes of these disorders is unknown, but stem from "some mix of environmental and genetic factors"
I frankly call BS.
Get to know anyone who struggles with these, and there is a clear, unfortunate cause.
Early and repeated childhood trauma.
I frankly call BS.
Get to know anyone who struggles with these, and there is a clear, unfortunate cause.
Early and repeated childhood trauma.
Missing, uncertain, or conditional attachment from a parent *messes you up*. And I'm not just talking socially, or in behaviour patterns.
It...legitimately alters and delays physical development within the brain. The impact of this cannot be overstated.
It...changes your world
It...legitimately alters and delays physical development within the brain. The impact of this cannot be overstated.
It...changes your world
You are kept in an uncertain state. Emotional regulation centres underdevelop. Pruning in some of your emotional production and imaginative centres doesn't occur.
You are biologically prone to fight/flight/fawn/freeze responses, because you never experience extended stability.
You are biologically prone to fight/flight/fawn/freeze responses, because you never experience extended stability.
You know Maslow's Heirarchy? How those basic needs are the building blocks of human development?
Yeah, when you don't have those as a small child, it's not good.
Right now, frankly, my basic needs are incredibly secure.
I am fully incapable of mentally accepting that they are.
Yeah, when you don't have those as a small child, it's not good.
Right now, frankly, my basic needs are incredibly secure.
I am fully incapable of mentally accepting that they are.
I grew up with an innate sense that I could lose those *at any time* on a seeminly random whim, and it would be my fault.
That...changes a person. In a literal biological way.
This is why folks with BPD need *immense* amounts of reassurance, just to go about their days.
That...changes a person. In a literal biological way.
This is why folks with BPD need *immense* amounts of reassurance, just to go about their days.
Okay, I think I'm good to add a bit more here...
So, in line with these structural development issues, folks with BPD are left feeling their emotions incredibly powerfully, incredibly suddenly, and with lessened ability to process and regulate them compared to most people
So, in line with these structural development issues, folks with BPD are left feeling their emotions incredibly powerfully, incredibly suddenly, and with lessened ability to process and regulate them compared to most people
In a very real sense, we are left with the emotional system of a toddler. Our emotional growth was stunted by trauma at that kind of place.
I empathize with a 3 year old bawling over the wrong colour sippy cup in so many ways.
Even a small disappointment can be overwhelming.
I empathize with a 3 year old bawling over the wrong colour sippy cup in so many ways.
Even a small disappointment can be overwhelming.
To share a personal story to illustrate...
The other day I was watching a football game, and my team threw a really bad interception. Not game changing or losing, just...a really bad play.
I...melted down. Not in a mad sports fan way, but in a "my mommy doesn't love me" way...
The other day I was watching a football game, and my team threw a really bad interception. Not game changing or losing, just...a really bad play.
I...melted down. Not in a mad sports fan way, but in a "my mommy doesn't love me" way...
That disappointment ran so deep, touched...really painful emotional memories of mine...because the systems that are supposed to regulate that simply don't...function.
Now, there are ways to cope with this I will share later, but...it's something that we just have to live with.
Now, there are ways to cope with this I will share later, but...it's something that we just have to live with.
Another major facet of BPD is having an incredibly unstable sense of self.
When you grow up in an uncertain situation, you don't exactly get time to develop an authentic self.
For me...I learned quickly that safety and affection depended on being who people wanted me to be.
When you grow up in an uncertain situation, you don't exactly get time to develop an authentic self.
For me...I learned quickly that safety and affection depended on being who people wanted me to be.
A joke we sometimes make is "of course you think I've got a good personality, I crafted it just for you!"
The reality is, we are often incredibly charismatic. We are conditioned to read people and situations and act accordingly.
Short term, it's great. Long term it breaks down
The reality is, we are often incredibly charismatic. We are conditioned to read people and situations and act accordingly.
Short term, it's great. Long term it breaks down
This lack of a core self has a few major impacts - first, we often just...feel empty when not specifically engaged by others.
I...quite frankly will spend shocking amounts of time just sitting on the corner of my couch staring at nothing if left to my own devices...
I...quite frankly will spend shocking amounts of time just sitting on the corner of my couch staring at nothing if left to my own devices...
Another - we have a tendency to define ourselves, such as they are, by external factors. Relationships we're in, jobs we do, tasks we're given.
This leads to *real* struggles with criticism, as criticism of a task becomes criticism of ourselves. Failing means we *are* failures.
This leads to *real* struggles with criticism, as criticism of a task becomes criticism of ourselves. Failing means we *are* failures.
As an example, I would hear my wife reminding me to take out the garbage as a personal attack. As...a question of my worth as an individual and proof that she didn't believe I had any...
We...are very good at turning little things into...ways to harm ourselves.
We...are very good at turning little things into...ways to harm ourselves.
