Three separate (but related) concepts that frequently get conflated:

- apology
- forgiveness
- rehabilitation/redemption

Of these three, I’m most interested in apology, because the primary function of apology is the recognition of a harm. There are are other functions — taking accountability for the harm, most notably — but at its root, however competent the apology is, this is what it does.

Saying “Something bad happened” may not seem important, but I think it’s actually incredibly key. As an abuse survivor, I know firsthand that one of the greatest harms of abuse is the cognitive dissonance you suffer when you’re experiencing a harm that is denied.

Apology remedies that cognitive dissonance, acknowledging that, yes, the thing that has hurt you is in fact a real thing and your hurt is real hurt.

But that’s not the same thing as forgiveness or redemption!!

Forgiveness is a victim-side experience that’s about letting go of one’s anger. You don’t need an apology to forgive, and you don’t need to forgive just because you’ve gotten an apology. You don’t even need to forgive because you’ve gotten the world’s best apology!

And then the conflation of apology with rehab/redemption — oof, that’s the thing that gives me the biggest headache. We saw it a lot with #MeToo , this idea that because an abuser had made an apology statement everything was good now and he should be let back in the limelight.

But while an apology *may* be an indication of someone’s redemption — indeed, I’d say the best apologies are a *result* of a thoughtful and genuine process of rehabilitation — merely apologizing is utterly unrelated to no longer being the person who caused the harm.

Anyway, I think apologies matter even without forgiveness or redemption; I think they matter even if they’re insincere or phoned in. I think to the extent that apologies put up a sign post that recognizes a victim’s experience, they are crucial.

*Not* as a barometer of the offender’s morality or readiness to return to society. EMPHATICALLY NOT THAT.

They are crucial for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with the people who are making the apologies.

They are crucial because they move our collective worldview closer to that of the people who have experienced harm.