Look, fuckers, if there’s gonna be a dystopia, let me be the Supreme Leader. I’ll brutally crack down on some bullshit but mostly leave you idiots alone.
Let me workshop a few of my Dystopian Edicts here:
*summary execution of all people who utter the following words: ‘normie,’ ‘cuck,’ ‘praxis,’ ‘based,’ ‘Kyle,’ ‘sangfroid,’ and ‘rotisserie’
*a global abolition on ‘canon’
*Michael Bay will be drafted to direct remakes of everyone who annoys me’s favourite movies
*gorillas are to be renamed ‘thicc chimps’
*immediate ban on all fantasy fiction that writes its orcs as ‘green Klingons’
*GNP and GDP will be solely measured by quantity of fanboy tears
*marriage and dating will be banned until I get over the girl who broke my heart
*whiny Internet posts will be used against you in court of law
*prisons will be abolished in favour of a new model of punitive enforcement I like to call the ‘Disco Panopticon’
*except YouTube movie critics, they’re going to actual prisons
*our defense budget will be reallocated to a secret project codenamed ‘El Robotico Jirafa de Fuego’
*we will declare war on the Ottoman Empire. They collapsed in 1922, so this should be an easy win for morale
*everyone is entitled to a gritty reboot
*any white person tweeting from Brooklyn will be tracked & government agents will be sent to their home to relentlessly mock them
*The Simpsons will finally end
*propaganda broadcasts will primarily use dated memes, bc anything that makes nerds cringe is a net gain for society
*that terrible ID photo I took when I was 19 will be put on posters everywhere, because I want people to suffer
*Tim Burton will be forcibly retired to a creepy old dollhouse where he can live out his days without inflicting any more movies upon us
*the government will declassify all files pertaining to Roswell, MK ULTRA, and Space Jam
*hell yeah, we’re gonna have so much fucking bread and circuses
*my best friend’s douchebag ex, Kyle, is gonna fucking get it and so is my other best friend’s ex, Rob
*new holidays to be added to the calendar: the Supreme Leader’s Birthday, Day of Mourning for the Time the Supreme Leader Dropped an Entire Pizza onto the Floor, T. Rex Day, Fuck You Rob Day, Robot Death Squad Appreciation Day, and Vampire Chanukah
*the Supreme Leader will be allowed to pet your dog. No exceptions
*item crafting in video games is SO banned
*I will not build a giant gold monument to any part of my anatomy, but I will definitely keep floating that idea at meetings, just to keep people on their toes
*might fuck around and update the tax code, idk
You can follow @DefinitelyEmile.
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