I'm obsessed with the graffiti found on the walls of Pompeii.

Vico d' Eumachia, brothel: "Gaius Valerius Venustus, soldier of the 1st praetorian cohort, in the century of Rufus, screwer of women."

Guys, you haven't changed a bit.

House of Caprasius Primus: "I don't want to sell my husband, not for all the gold in the world."

I would sell mine, if I had one

Barracks of the Julian-Claudian gladiators: "Celadus the Thracian makes the girls moan!"

In the basilica: "Chie, I hope your haemorrhoids rub together so much that they hurt worse than when they ever have before!"

Sounds like something @dgjones would write

In the basilica: "O walls, you have held up so much tedious graffiti that I am amazed you have not already collapsed in ruin."

This one is brilliant!

In the basilica: "Lucius Istacidius, I regard as a stranger anyone who doesn’t invite me to dinner."

ME TOO

House of the Centenary; in the latrine near the front door: "Secundus defecated here"

Thanks for letting us know

Herculaneum bar: "Two friends were here. While they were, they had bad service in every way from a guy named Epaphroditus. They threw him out and spent 105 and half sestertii most agreeably on whores."

They had Tripadvisor in Pompeii

Gladiator barracks: "On April 19th, I made bread"

- All of us in lockdown

In the basilica: "Epaphra, you are bald!"

Could be me sending a text to @dgjones before he had his hair transplant

"Theophilus, don’t perform oral sex on girls against the city wall like a dog"

What the hell

"Apollinaris, the doctor of the emperor Titus, defecated well here."

Thanks, doctor

"Secundus likes to screw boys."

Congrats, Secundus

"Gaius Sabinus says a fond hello to Statius. Traveler, you eat bread in Pompeii but you go to Nuceria to drink. At Nuceria, the drinking is better."

Take note

"If anyone sits here, let him read this first of all: if anyone wants a screw, he should look for Attice; she costs 4 sestertii."

These guys were obsessed, weren't they

"We have wet the bed, host. I confess we have done wrong. If you want to know why, there was no chamber pot."

TripAdvisor strikes again

"To the one defecating here. Beware of the curse. If you look down on this curse, may you have an angry Jupiter for an enemy."

I wonder what happened to those who ignored the warning

I hope these have brightened up your day! Centuries go by and we remain the same idiots...

You can see a few more here: https://kashgar.com.au/blogs/history/the-bawdy-graffiti-of-pompeii-and-herculaneu

OH JESUS CHRIST

Gladiator barracks: "Floronius, privileged soldier of the 7th legion, was here. The women did not know of his presence. Only six women came to know, too few for such a stallion."

Maybe he wasn't that privileged

“Oppius, you’re a clown, a thief, and a cheap crook.”

I agree

From the bar/brothel of Innulus and Papilio: "Weep, you girls. My penis has given you up. Now it penetrates men's behinds. Goodbye, wondrous femininity!"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA this is only getting better

From Herculaneum (a bar/inn joined to the maritime baths): "Apelles the chamberlain with Dexter, a slave of Caesar, ate here most agreeably and had a screw at the same time."

How did they do both at the same time

House of the Citharist, below a drawing of a man with a large nose: "Amplicatus, I know that Icarus is buggering you. Salvius wrote this."

No one needs a friend like Salvius

Vico degli Scienziati: "Cruel Lalagus, why do you not love me?"

They couldn't complain on social media back then, so they used graffiti instead

House of Caesius Blandus: "It took 640 paces to walk back and forth between here and there ten times."

Every time you feel bored, remember that it could be worse

OH MY GOD THERE'S A DIALOGUE. CHECK THIS OUT

"Successus the weaver is in love with the slave of the Innkeeper, whose name is Iris. She doesn't care about him at all, but he asks that she take pity on him. A rival wrote this."

The response:

"You're so jealous you're bursting. Don't tear down someone more handsome― a guy who could beat you up and who is good-looking."

!!!!!

Gladiator barracks: "Antiochus hung out here with his girlfriend Cithera."

Jealous of Antiochus and Cithera who were able to hang out without worrying about covid

House of Cosmus and Epidia; right of the door): "Aufidius was here. Goodbye."

Bye then

Barracks of the Julian-Claudian gladiators; column in the peristyle: "Celadus the Thracian gladiator is the delight of all the girls."

Yep, I can imagine

On the Vico del Labirinto: "On April 20th, I gave a cloak to be washed. On May 7th, a headband. On May 8th, two tunics."

Did you get them back though

Vicolo del Panattiere, House of the Vibii, Merchants: "Atimetus got me pregnant."

I wish I could live in this world where gender reveal parties were not a thing

(Congrats)

In the basilica: "The man I am having dinner with is a barbarian."

Can relate

In the basilica: "The one who buggers a fire burns his penis."

Guys, attention

In the basilica: "Love dictates to me as I write and Cupid shows me the way, but may I die if god should wish me to go on without you."

<3

Just ordered this book: https://www.amazon.com/Graffiti-Pompeii-Laura-Sobbott-Ross/dp/194918062X

I'm back. Check this out:

Two gladiators, a murmillo and Samnite, carrying shields and helmets, one with a short sword, the other with a spear.

Shop of the Gem-cutter: "On the third day before the Ides of September, (I spent) one denarius and eight asses for a tunic."

Suburban Baths: "Apelles, the bedroom attendant, with Dexter, (slave) of Caesar, ate lunch here most agreeably and also had sex."

I'm terrible at multitasking

Ramp: "Fortunatus loves Amplianda. Ianuarius loves Veneria. We ask mistress Venus that you keep us in mind (and also) that which we now ask of you."

Suburban Baths: "Apelles Mus (was here) with his brother Dexter. We had a great time (literally, lovingly), had sex twice - with two girls."

I wonder if this is the same Dexter

Samnite House: Caricature of a woman with horns, claws, teeth, and wings, holding a scythe or staff.

House of the Telephus Relief: "May you suffer, Phoebus."

Suburban Baths: "Hermeros to his mistress Primigenia: come to Puteoli in the Tyanian street and ask from Messius, the money lender, for Hermeros (slave) of Phoebus."

House of the Telephus Relief: "Bombycion sucks."

Officina di A. Granius Romanus: "Four days before the Nones of July, a traveler's cloak and a small cloak (were deposited with) Faustilla (for collateral). For fifty (denarii?) she [is charging] 13.5 copper asses (per month, as interest)."

Corridoio dei Teatri.

Definitely one of my favorites.

(Bar of Prima): “Successus, a weaver, loves the innkeeper’s slave girl named Iris. She, however, does not love him. Still, he begs her to have pity on him. His rival wrote this. Goodbye.”

THEN, Successus replied:

“Envious one, why do you get in the way. Submit to a handsomer man and one who is being treated very wrongly and good looking.”

[Answer by Severus]: “I have spoken. I have written all there is to say. You love Iris, but she does not love you.”

Ouch.

Corridoio dei Teatri: "The men of the third legion were here. Farewell, Rufa because you suck well."

Corridoio dei Teatri: "Methe, a slave of Cominia, from the town of Atella, loves Chrestus. May Pompeian Venus be propitious in her heart to them both and may they always live harmoniously."

That's cute

Corridoio dei Teatri: "Miccio-cio-cio, you broke the wallet (bag?) for your defecating father. Consider the state of Miccio!"

Defecating father - anxiously waiting for my first opportunity to use this

Bar; left of the door: "We two dear men, friends forever, were here. If you want to know our names, they are Gaius and Aulus."

I don't know exactly why, but this is probably one of my favorites too.

In the vestibule of the House of Cuspius Pansa: "The finances officer of the emperor Nero says this food is poison."

After Tripadvisor, we now have Yelp too

House of the Moralist: "Remove lustful expressions and flirtatious tender eyes from another man’s wife; may there be modesty in your expression."

Just outside the Vesuvius gate: "Defecator, may everything turn out okay so that you can leave this place."

"The city block of the Arrii Pollii in the possession of Gnaeus Alleius Nigidius Maius is available to rent from July 1st. There are shops on the first floor, upper stories, high-class rooms and a house. A person interested in renting this property should contact Primus."

Atrium of a House of the Large Brothel: "Blondie has taught me to hate dark-haired girls. I shall hate them, if I can, but I wouldn’t mind loving them. Pompeian Venus Fisica wrote this."

I feel personally attacked

Brothel of Venus; on the Vico dei Soprastanti opposite the Vicolo del Gallo: "May Love burns in some lonely mountains whoever wants to rape my girlfriend!"

Bar of Hedone on the Street of the Augustales; on the corner toward the lupinare: "Hedone says, “You can get a drink here for only one coin. You can drink better wine for two coins. You can drink Falernian for four coins.”

Okay, but where can we get pizza