I have never been happier that we skipped Elf on the Shelf lore.

7 is wearing Ghostbusters pjs for errands because it's, and this is a direct quote, "costume month, mom".

Fine. Costume month all around.

What are you dressed as today?

7 and 9 have been making me a "surprise dinner" for over an hour.

I'm not sure what they are doing, but I suddenly smell bacon.

They both just came out and asked me to tie their aprons on.

7 offered me a "greasy bacon hug".

I politely declined the hug out of bacon.

9 just came out and told me the bacon was to rescue the spinach he made.

We do not have spinach.

9 seemed unfazed by the spinach fact.

Also, dog is traumatized by the bacon smell.

9 just told me "I'm cooking bacon so it tastes like chicken".

I do not know what this means.

I have been served dinner.

I was informed it was supposed to be chicken spinach alfredo pasta.

But they couldn't find chicken.

And we don't have spinach.

And the pot was too heavy for noodles.

The bacon is "chicken tender shaped" and the salad is "creamy, like alfredo".

Update: they ate my bacon

...and my salad

I'm eating goldfish.

"Don't worry mom, we'll clean up"

Actually means "we took all the ingredients out of the fridge for what we planned to make, what we actually made, and 25% of what was in the fridge unrelated to what we made...and left them all out overnight.

PS, all the pans are out too"

Huh.

I made applesauce.

It has too much cinnamon.

The only reasonable solution is to make more applesauce tomorrow and average out the cinnamon.

Tl;dr: there is never too much applesauce.

We watched a rando kids movie today since it wasn't outside weather.

9: why do they always kill off the parents?

Me: because parents wouldn't allow these adventures

9: can't they just tell stories where kids have adventures and parents let them?

Me: not since the 80s, kid

You all...I told 7 and 9 that this past weekend that the farmer's market was going to be inside for the winter so the pup couldn't come to that.

9 made a farmer's market in the kitchen so "the whole family could shop".

Don't mind me chopping onions.

I replaced my nearly 2 decade old noise-cancelling headphones.

These are better.

My husband is not a fan.

I was just tapped on the shoulder and told I have to be available for his "constant stupid questions."

I directed him to the salsa and put them back on.
#pandemicworklife

7, ever the pragmatic child, wanted to make sure he could locate his pants.

I just heard a crashing porcelain breaking noise upstairs.

Our toilet is broken.

We have one bathroom.

It seems my day will be changing course.

Halfway to the hardware store we realized the back of my van was filled with cleaning supplies, dog supplies, and returnables.

We have unload and are headed out again.

Pro-tip, don't do that

Why are there so many kind of toilets, but none are what I need?

Why?

WHY?

I have one requirement, that the toilet tank lid have a lip around the edge so things set there don't end up *in* the toilet. (Or on the floor)

It seems I am in the minority in this preference.

Nonetheless, I appear to have a solution.

Alas, we still lack a working throne.

7 and 9 took immense joy in (self-directed) peeing in the uninstalled toilet remains now on the side of the house.

However, we have now reached "mom must go to the store to buy frozen pizza so I can use a real toilet" status.

We have a working toilet.

However, the wrong box in the right bay was grabbed...so my 1 request, a toilet with a lipped lid did not happen.

The boys convinced us to trick or treat.

I stepped in an enormous puddle and am doing this in a wet dress.

Maine takes Halloween very seriously, even when social distancing.

Great options

Though incredibly quiet for our neighborhood, everyone was safe and delightful.

#HappyCovidHalloween

I ripped the dry part of my dress though, because of course I did.

Happier haunting to your wardrobe.

Children just came into my kitchen screaming.

Children just left my kitchen drenched with my kitchen sprayer.

Screaming has ceased.

I was just on a zoom.

Children were silently working away.

I turned off mute to speak.

9 decided to smash the cardboard thing 7 was working on and 7 screamed like he was being slowly disemboweled.

Thankfully, everyone seemed more entertained than horrified.

My ceiling has fewer tiles this morning.

It seems our toilet install was not as successful as previously thought.

How is your day?

Husband just went upstairs with a caulk gun loaded with a fascinating adhesive choice.

I'm making tea.

After watching Nailed It, 9 is now determined to make some sort of dessert involving melted chocolate.

Inspired by the show, he has decided to use the microwave.

I'm not optimistic about the outcome, but I will refrain from the judge reactions from the show.

My children are eating sardines and herring straight out of the tin with their fingers for lunch.

And I...

I think I figured out the root cause of the untimely demise of cilantro in our indoor growing project.

9 lost a tooth today. Apparently he googled the tooth fairy and discovered that the going rate for a tooth is $5.

7 and 9 have opted out of all previous tooth fairy shenanigans, but are now searching the house for all their lost teeth to try to cash them in.

I have no $5 bills.

Talk to me about hair scraggle.

I haven't had my hair trimmed in over a year.

Did you just...whack off a chunk when it got annoying?

With the surge of #COVID19 digging in, I am trying to give the boys some normalcy as I limit our few trips even further.

I have sacrificed this precious small bit of counter space to a "fun hot cocoa center".

Have you replaced your habits this year or given them up?

9 got a wee bit carried away.

I find myself the owner of a chunky, longish but scraggle-free bob.

The boys wrote out our thanksgiving menu.

9 lost 2 teeth today that he didn't even inform me were wiggly.

I have a 5 and a 20. I hope tonight isn't the night he decides to see if he believes in the tooth fairy.

9: Since this year wasn't a real year, can we go to Disney for our birthdays in February?

me: unfortunately, part or all of next year will also not be a real year

9: so just fantasy land?

me: no, that requires travel outside of Maine

9: this virus sucks, mom

me: yes it does

7 just lost a tooth.

November is pandemic tooth-a-palooza, it seems.

Today is a good day to wander in the woods

and run through the mud

and get stuck in the mud

and pick out a Christmas tree.

I that in Maine you can have a pandemic-safe holiday outdoor adventure 15 minutes from the "big city".

Me: find the perfect tree

Tree: I'm the tree 2020 deserves...

I shouldn't have checked the mail today.

It's been...a year. I've been on deck with, y'know, everything. Momming, home schooling, lawyering, running for Senate, often while my husband has been out to sea...during a pandemic...with no functional days off.

I have 2 days off scheduled in Rangeley. Not real days off, but the husband will take the boys out to ski during the day and I would have time to be alone.

I just got notices for both days for Court events.

Here's to you 2020 - with zero moments to just be alone and breathe.

Can someone please tell me WTF my husband did to my tea kettle?

9 just announced he was going to clean his room.

To achieve this task, he demanded a tool.

He wanted...a hammer.

I've been told by husband the tea kettle debacle was caused by cranberry sauce.

No further details have been provided, so I'm not sure if somehow cranberry sauce caught fire, or if husband slipped on cranberry sauce while juggling something more flammable and ignited the kettle.

The kettle has been (mostly) resurrected.

Drama cat is my whole mood today.

On a lighter note, my lemon tree appears to be contemplating lemons.

A Sunday caper is afoot.

Rather inexplicably, a pick axe and a crow bar, both of which appear to have adventured to a muddy venue, have manifested at my desk.

7 happened.

Boys are exploiting me being hobbled from work by my cell dying mid-call and me frantically trying to get a functional phone.

Rather than their homework - 9 is watching youtubes on Area 51, 7 is watching how solar systems work.

Just educational enough for me to not intervene.

In semi-related news, the data back-up I have going has informed me that I have 198,312 text messages on my phone.

Me, this morning to myself: I'm very prepared. I have a day blocked to deal with 2 phone calls and trial prep, spare toner, an extra case of paper, what could go wrong?

Me, this evening, phone-less, toner boxes decorative rather than containing toner: oh, well, I have paper

9 has a Nutella problem.

We can tell when he's back on the sauce when our spoons all disappear.

This round, it's 10 spoons.

This is how 9 wear his shoes now.

I have offered to buy him laces, new shoes, etc. This is how he wants to be. To quote 9 "my shoes feel like a pandemic and no one cares, mom".

I have concluded my learning module on the application of nihilism to childhood dilemmas.

Now that our lemon tree seems to be cruising along and my 5th (!) attempt at planting mint alongside it seems to be popping up...the children have requested a dwarf avocado tree.

How do I am explain that I am really not good at this?

9s dinner tonight was a bowl and a half of mashed potatoes.

That's it.

It appears a carrot(?) has snuck in to my failed herb project.

Today my children were overwhelmed with the real-time realization that popcorn expires.

I was also unaware of this information given my infrequent popcorn consumption.

It was a sad, sad snacking lesson.

I see you looming snow storm.

...and I raise you a cauldron on cream of mushroom soup for the occasion.

Our boys almost never see me drink.

The mushroom soup has some wine in it so I had a glass since I had cracked a bottle.

7, screaming: 9, 9...mom is DRINKING! Should we call dad?

9: no, he won't believe it

Me, inner monologue: mwuhaha you haven't beaten me yet, 2020

I have so much work to do.

Seriously, SO MUCH. All of which I need to have focus for.

And the boys will *not* fall asleep so I can do my work.

It's going to be one of those go fall asleep with them, set an alarm, and hope it wakes up only me so I can work nights.

The first "real" snow day of the year here is an unofficial holiday.

The boys were *so* excited last night they woke up every hour or so like a looming snow cuckoo clock.

We haven't even made it out to play yet since they are tired and floppy.

Breaking: no change in status of children

Digging out the walkway in true Maine style

I could accomplish nothing but shoveling and parenting today.

I did, however, get some gingerbread dough into the fridge to be made in the coming days.

#SnowDayGoals

I have a touch of snow on my car.

I left the boys making gingerbread cookies so I could try to work.

This is their progress.

Me: 9, do you have boots?

9: I don't even have a jacket!

(Rather than tell me about a shenanigan when it could be much more easily rectified, the boys waited 5 days to tell me of this event.

Apparently my husband was made aware, but had not seen the depth of jacket carnage.)

I've had a pinched nerve from letting the kids crash in my room for movie night Friday that has me increasingly immobile.

9 helped and washed my sheets.

I tried to crawl in to work with a heating pad.

They're still wet.



I gave myself a bloody nose jumping out of wet.

Being in your 40s is discovering you can lay down so you avoid pinching a nerve less, or kinking your neck, but not both.

Also file under: it doesn't hurt to sit, but the longer you sit, the less possible it is to get up.

7 convinced me to buy the emoji movie tonight.

I already has the misfortune of seeing this movie in the theater.

I'm a sucker.

9 and I have been discussing when grown up words are and are not accurate, and when they are not appropriate even if they are accurate.

I'm going to put this one firmly in the "accurate describing destruction to 110 year old door, but definitely not appropriate use" pile.

We just had the glass in 10 (TEN!) windows replaced in our house.

AKA - two enthusiastic boys trapped inside during a loooooong pandemic.

9: mom, you have pens in your hair

Me: usually

9: no mom, you have a lot of pens on your hair

Me: ok

9:...and scissors

Me, reaching up: indeed

Parking lot alps off to a good start.

9 washed laundry.

Just pajamas.

*Just pajamas bottoms.

He does not see how this is not super helpful for my needs.

We're well on our way to the robe, I see... https://mobile.twitter.com/nbcsnl/status/1340535583102431233

We really thought she was going to go for the ornament

We let the boys open a Christmas Eve present and they happened to pick the kid-sized tool kits.

It's 10:29 pm. They are upstairs hammering in their "workshop". One just came down looking for nails.

I still have writing to do after I get them to bed. It'll be a looong night.

7, wearing the apron and goggles bursting into the room like Kramer: I need wood

Me: it's nearing 11 pm. You need wood?

7: birch, specifically

Me: you need birch at 10:42 pm?

7: you're right mom, oak

Me: you want oak?

7: do you think I should start with pine?

Me:

9 just asked for a goddam nail gun and then tried to argue with me about being old enough to use our air compressor.

That's it.

I am never going to get anything done tonight until I settle them.

Christmas movies in mom's room until they knock out.

I have never before so fully identified with Jane Curtain.

She is my mood.

My husband is BBQing.

It's 27°.

Maybe I can convince him to go get take out instead? https://mobile.twitter.com/Reuters/status/1342901774974414852

It just started snowing on him.

I'm making tea. Inside. Wearing fuzzy socks.

Husband got me a mug to start furnishing the camp we don't have.

#MaineCampGoals

Every day for the past week I was supposed to have a several hour, uninterrupted block of time to work, with children removed from my space.

I'm still waiting.

And someone just tried to delegate me using the time I'm supposed to have today to "tidying".

Hell. No.

The weather has been what one might call "non-compliant".

I am still waiting.

Parenting is when you spend 3 hours making brunch and cleaning up after to put your children in a food coma sufficiently quiet to send a half dozen emails.

Somehow this thread got broken.

If you want the full saga... https://mobile.twitter.com/TiffanyBond/status/1238817518116110336

Welp, I am still waiting for child-free time.

I am down to 1 child, who has consumed only eggnog and bacon for sustenance this today.

7 has no interest in me at all until I turn my computer on, at which time he becomes a singing, dancing-over-the-top-of-me theatre masterpiece.

This week we did a socially distanced Mainecation to support our neighbors.

All contactless curbside pick-ups, our only interaction with anyone directly was the masked pick up of keys for a couple of minutes.

When it's safe, please come visit Maine.

It's heavenly here.

I also snapped my new zoom background.

Feel free to borrow it for yours too if you wish you were here.

2020 is a year for hindsight.

...perhaps in the decision to purchase a hot glue gun for a 7 year old.

9 is lobbying to rent the new Croods movie.

It's $20 to rent. $20 to BUY, maybe.

9: but mom, it's so much cheaper than the theater

Me:

9: but mooom, we'll let you work

Me: kid, if I'm paying $20, I'm watching it

9: but mooom, it's a holiday

We appear to be at an impass.

Does anyone have a crème brûlée recipe easy enough for a 9 year old?

Asking for a 9 year old.

There was a box of fish hooks and marshmallows under my coffee table.

I'm not sure the inspiration for such a combination, but it would make for hot cocoa that has a little bite.

I have 2 children in chef's hats and aprons trying to "karate" each other.

This was not today's planned activity.

Me: I just need a few hours of quiet to wrap up straggle from last year and get ready for the work week.

Boys: MOM, WE FOUND THE GEODE KIT!!!!!!!

This geode episode was inspired by the movie Evolution, which 9 loves.

It's on in the background and I've just realized that Evolution and Ghostbusters are basically the same movie.

Oh my fiddleheads.

The boys just walked through the living room with coke and mentos.

Me: I SAID SILENCE SUNDAY NOT SCIENCE SUNDAY

Send help, or a nanny, or a cocktail.

Maybe all three.

It is done.

Husband went back out to sea today, which makes the everyone clingy.

I let the boys watch a movie in my room to settle them in for the night, and now I have two boys sleeping in my bed (one perpendicular to the bed), and a cat, and a dog on my floor.

The dog snores.

And farts.

I told the boys that mom couldn't do dinner and absorb treason at the same time.

They made "living room tapas".

Close enough.

It's been a rough 24 hours for democracy, so like any good mom I decided to have the boys make pudding after school.

The recipe has democracy empathy.

9 just asked if we can make peanut butter cookies, but with Nutella instead, and I...legit don't know.

Is this...

I've been explaining DC's situation in a very serious tone to the boys.

Tonight we talked about protests, and how terribly sad it was that people died.

They asked me how they died.

They are caught up on the tazering groin until heart attack passing.

They think I made it up.

I'd like to add, one of the hardest parts of parenting is trying to explain to your children with a solemn tone how something *cough* that sounds like it would be HILARIOUS in, say, Austin Powers 4, is really poor form to laugh about when someone actually dies.