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OK, wasn’t gonna post about it, but here goes. I have a 5 week old son and he is amazing. BUT... (a long thread about breasts)
Breastfeeding is the second hardest thing I have ever done in my life. (First I think now will always be the PhD.)
I’ve had mastitis twice. Second time sent us back into hospital on iv antibiotics. Look it up if you want.
In hospital after birth and with mastitis, I was completely alone with only Cabbage for company. And about a million midwives helping me to achieve some mythical latch that continues to elude us.
Mastitis often involves a temperature. Guess what stops doctors from seeing you in person these days? If left untreated you can develop an abscess. You need to get treatment ASAP when it starts.
My antibiotics end on Tuesday and I am fucking terrified of it coming back and nothing anyone can do or say will stop it possibly happening again.
I could (and possibly will) switch to bottle, but now that breastfeeding is established that would be a painfully slow process, feed by feed, or else my chesticles will end up blocked and likely infected again.
So now I am quite literally booby-trapped in a state of constant anxiety, having to feed this beautiful but helpless thing 8-12 times a day. Feeds are long because the latch isn’t great. There is little time between them.
Yes, I am seeing a lactation consultant and the infant feeding team via my Health Visitor. Yes, the LC has to use Zoom because of Covid restrictions.
He doesn’t have a tongue tie btw, an ENT told me there was nothing to snip and I cried because I had pinned my hopes on an answer other than “you’re just not very good at this”.
I know one way or another this will get easier, but the fear, the guilt and the sadness of not being built for feeding my child is overwhelming.
I promise I will update this thread once things improve, whether that be through time or something else.
So 5 weeks later and I promised I would update when things were better. Things are better but not in the way I anticipated...
The good things: I’ve avoided mastitis again (so far), and the feeds got steadily shorter and less painful (but not short). Best of all Cabbage is a big, bonny bundle of awesome. However...
The feeds never got easy. Cabbage gets reflux and colic and was caught in a vicious cycle of bad, fussy feeds making his digestion worse, making him fussier, etc. Moreover...
My mental health was a mess: grief for not having BF experience I wanted, guilt and shame for considering switching when he was thriving, the constant anxiety about mastitis. I was so hyper focussed on feeding that I checked out of parenting.
So I stopped. 2/3 feeds are now formula, and Cabbage is FINE and I am so, so much better. I burp and play and cuddle and wear my baby everyday and our bond is stronger than gaffa tape.
I had so much support for BF from NHS, NCT and a certified lactation consultant. This is not a story of Covid stopping me feeding how I wanted. I agree that BF is a fantastic way to feed a baby, with unique benefits. But, BUT...
It’s not the only way. It’s also not a zero sum game. There needs to be more emotional and logistical support for formula, expressed and combination feeding. And that support needs to come without the explicit or implicit shame.
