JACOB'S THEORY OF COUPLES (a thread)

If I arranged marriages I wouldn't look for people similar on Big 5 traits or attractiveness — some things need to be matched and some complemented. Couples need to BOTH agree on 4 big topics, and have 4 important traits BETWEEN THEM. https://twitter.com/jmrphy/status/1315785354297786368

AGREEMENT TOPICS

1. Sexuality - style, frequency, etc. It may be hard to plan for the future but you at least want several good years during which you really learn to satisfy each other.

2. Children - not just how many (the answer is usually "one at a time") but also parenting style, division of labor, family involvement etc.

3. Lifestyle - rootless cosmopolitan or buy a house in a small town? Frugal or extravagant? Host parties or Netflix and chill?

4. Relationship dynamics - things like whether you hang out for hours every day or give each other a lot of space. I would include in this also questions of exclusivity, which isn't just a mono/poly binary. Are you OK with your partner seeing a movie with an opposite sex friend?

COMPLEMENTARY TRAITS — At least ONE of the people in the couple needs to:

1. Make money. The important thing is having skills that can reliably provide a stable income (e.g. a plumber), not just $ in the bank right now. Financial stress ruins couples — don't marry two academics!

2. Be emotionally stable. Be able to cool their own anger, dispel their own depression, etc. They may not always be able to help their partner, but you avoid the crisis when both spiral into anger or sadness simultaneously. "Codependency" is often just two neurotics marrying.

3. Be gregarious and extraverted. Like money, friends are an important currency that sustains any household and at least one of the people in the couple needs to be good at making new friends and bringing their spouse to new social circles. Two shut-ins is a no-no.

4. Be flexible and willing to compromise on the one of the big 4 topics of agreement, since the two people will often change their desires over time and may diverge.

Ideally, each person in the couple has to have at least 2 of big 4 traits. 3 and 3 makes for a great marriage. If you only have 1 you need to make up for it by being hotter than the other person, have a special talent, or be more hard-working on shared projects.

The above can be mixed and matched. I know a long-term polyamorous couple where the husband is stable and gregarious, the wife makes money and is hot, both are flexible, and they are on the same page on the big topics.

How are your own marriages scoring on my metrics?