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Oh god.
Just realised we're about three weeks away from this government Hancocking its way through a 'safe trick or treating' policy.
Just realised we're about three weeks away from this government Hancocking its way through a 'safe trick or treating' policy.
He's going to announce it's safe as long as kids stand two metres away from the door, and the sweets are in wrappers that gave been washed in warm water.
Then @KayBurley will point out to him, live on TV, that this will melt chocolate.
And he's going to jump straight to the stage of the Hancock-Partridge curve where he looks like he's just been caught having sex in a lay-by.
(More on the curve, here: https://twitter.com/garius/status/1301471306014224384)
And he's going to jump straight to the stage of the Hancock-Partridge curve where he looks like he's just been caught having sex in a lay-by.
(More on the curve, here: https://twitter.com/garius/status/1301471306014224384)
Then he'll laugh nervously and make a joke about how melted chocolate is better than no chocolate, and that it's important people do normal things.
BURLEY: So you're saying we should risk our children's lives to eat chocolate?
HANCOCK: And to boost the economy! [silly nod]
BURLEY: So you're saying we should risk our children's lives to eat chocolate?
HANCOCK: And to boost the economy! [silly nod]
The paper/social media will be full of wars about whether trick or treating is safe.
Your Facebook will be full of old people sharing shit memes of kids in fifties clothes saying:
"IN MY DAY WE WEREN'T AFRAID TO TRICK AND TREAT"
Despite the fact it's a modern American thing
Your Facebook will be full of old people sharing shit memes of kids in fifties clothes saying:
"IN MY DAY WE WEREN'T AFRAID TO TRICK AND TREAT"
Despite the fact it's a modern American thing
Then Boris Johnson will go on Times radio and try and kick off a culture war about it.
He'll say trick or treating is a British tradition, and people who say it isn't safe are 'cancel culture vultures' and waffle on about how they don't do it in Germany which is telling.
He'll say trick or treating is a British tradition, and people who say it isn't safe are 'cancel culture vultures' and waffle on about how they don't do it in Germany which is telling.
At this point, the first actual government medical report will be leaked, written by actual medical people, with medical qualifications.
This will reveal that children can pass on viruses just by looking at you funny, as every parent knows. It's their literal superpower.
This will reveal that children can pass on viruses just by looking at you funny, as every parent knows. It's their literal superpower.
Keir Starmer will bring this up in PMQs, and Boris will bang the despatch box and say:
"You know who ELSE hated chocolate! The I R A that's who!"
Then he'll turn and look at his benches expecting them to give him a cookie, but they'll all just look a bit embarrassed. Again.
"You know who ELSE hated chocolate! The I R A that's who!"
Then he'll turn and look at his benches expecting them to give him a cookie, but they'll all just look a bit embarrassed. Again.
Then, about ten minutes before 5pm on 31st October, Matt Hancock will write an article for the Times, behind their paywall, announcing a U-Turn and that trick or treat is now banned.
Then, a week later, when a whole bunch of areas are on borderline local lockdown again, Matt Hancock will go back on Kay Burley and say that the increasing COVID rate is not the government's fault, but due to children 'in poorer areas' ignoring the rules over trick or treating.
And then two days later we'll have to do the whole fucking thing again over Bonfire night.
