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Transitioning from a ‘bad’ relationship to a healthier one.
Sex talk 8: A
Sex talk 8: A
Bad could be defined as many things: verbal abuse (eg calling you names, cursing you), emotional abuse (cheating, gaslighting etc), sexual abuse (guilting you to have sex with them bc they’re your s/o etc), physical abuse.
All of these ‘bads,’ can make it difficult for you to transition into another relationship or rather accept another healthy relationship.
You can confuse sex with intimacy and prioritize a physical relationship over getting to really know the person. Or you can get to know the person but be afraid to open up sexually.
These are my tips on transitioning from a “bad,” relationship to a healthy relationship.
Part 1: The Self.
1. Do not jump into another relationship. I urge you to take your time to heal and process. You will never be the person you were before you met them. Get to know the new you, work towards developing healthy mindsets and healthy behaviors. (See a psychologist for aid).
2. I will say 3/4 of the Journey is learning to love yourself, accept yourself, strengthen your weaknesses and improve your strengths and knowing when a flaw isn’t a flaw and when a negative trait needs to be reduced.
Eg I used to think being extra was a flaw. It’s not. Some people don’t like extra and that’s ok. Being extra doesn’t harm me or anyone else. Vs. I was opinionated and thought I was right all the time- it’s a flaw bc I made people feel bad for their subjectivities. I’ve grown.
Part 2: A Partner.
(About) 1/4 of the journey when you transition from a bad rship to a healthy rship is understanding that when people break you, you do need people to teach you to have faith in people again.
You will need a partner who is patient and kind but who won’t enable your insecurities. You also need to accept that not everyone is going to be a repeat of the person who hurt you.
1. Learn to communicate your triggers but learn to overcome them. Eg. If your partner is hanging out with friends who you feel insecure about- communicate it but set up HEALTHY boundaries. Do not make someone cut off a friend for you. That is toxic.
2. Overcoming triggers is difficult but the purpose is to make sure you are healthy minded. You are allowed boundaries but your partner is also allowed freedom to be themselves and enjoy their friends or hobbies. Sit and find the midway.
3. Letting someone in emotionally. You should *allow* people to get close to you: once they have earned it. Romantic gestures don’t count. When they prove they show up for you, the give as much as you do, use those as flags to let in. Cont’d
But don’t feel rushed to. Take your time. Let people tell you who they are and judge based on that. If you see small signs that they don’t keep promises, they cancel, or big red flags, feel free to leave.
But if you have a good person- don’t let the fear of something real, or fear of getting hurt or just fear convince you to shut someone out when they’ve proven they’re here for you.
***Criteria for a partner (suggestions): ask yourself, is your partner: kind, assertive but gentle, brave, honest to themselves and others, respectful, have self- control, loyal and keeps promises. Those are basic and give a good idea of the person long term (+urself)
Letting someone in sexually: you do not have to rush to physical. Get to know the person first. It’s easier to let go of a shitty person when you haven’t slept with them. Sex is something that ties you to a person.
I say this because you’ve been hurt before. You should honour yourself by making sure the energy you allow into your life is willing to be patient with u, but not coddle you; treats you with kindness and respect; sees your value; works with you
(Also remember as much as they must bring to your table, you must bring to theirs).
Take your time with someone you are hoping for long term results and then let them in sexually. If you have reached past this and you are having a hard time letting them in sexually: THAT IS OK.
Sex is not running away. If anything, working slowly towards more physical activity will teach you both how to be patient with each other and teach you how to be ok when you can’t fully give.
You have the right to say no or stop. It’s okay to have a full on panic attack if you’ve been abused. A decent person will understand this. You take the lead and say what you’re okay with. Over time it’ll integrate to an experience where it’s about both of you. Don’t feel guilt.
Transitioning from a bad to healthy rship takes
• Journey of Self.
• Communication.
• Understanding your triggers, overcoming them yourself with some aid from ur partner.
• Self Value.
• Character judgment.
• Taking your time.
It’s difficult but with patience, you can
• Journey of Self.
• Communication.
• Understanding your triggers, overcoming them yourself with some aid from ur partner.
• Self Value.
• Character judgment.
• Taking your time.
It’s difficult but with patience, you can
