One time I agreed to take care of one of these beasts and was almost clawed to death.

h/t @alexandrahillny for reminding me!

Storytime.

Characters:
- Me
- Boss
- Cat (like in the picture, except bigger and meaner) https://twitter.com/OnlyInBOS/status/1304502472828841984

I started a new job working US market hours in San Francisco. West Coast hours are brutal. The market opens at 6:30 am PST, so you need to be at your desk by 4:30 am. Since I was staying at a friend’s place in Palo Alto, I got up every day at 3:30 to be on time.

It sucked.

So, my boss knew all this and he asked, “I’m going to be traveling to Ukraine for a month. Why don’t you just stay at my place?”

“What really?" I said. "Yes!”

“You’ll just have to take care of my cat,” he said.

I thought, “Amazing. I get to live in my Boss’ sweet apartment in SF? Just need to set out a bowl of milk? Score.”

“He doesn’t like everybody,” he said, interrupting my reverie. “If it doesn’t work out, I won’t take it personally.”

I should have known better at this point.

Boss lived in a part of SoMa that was being developed. Much of the area was run-down but his building was metallic and modern, a new complex that allowed exotic animals.

When I showed up at his loft, Cat was nowhere to be seen. Boss said sometimes he’s a little shy and he’ll come out once he knows I’m not a threat.

I was like, “Ok, sure. Makes sense.”

Boss showed me the basics:

Cat only eats raw steaks. Boss had a separate fridge overflowing with steaks. He said I should feed Cat once in the morning before work and once in the evening. “You can just leave the steak anywhere,” he said.

Again, no alarm bells were going off.

So Boss had to take off.

At some point, when it had darkened a bit, I heard some scratching coming from upstairs. I peeked around the corner, and I saw two eyes glowing green in the dark.

Then I heard a hiss.

I started feeling an otherworldly nervousness begin to creep in me. I had to push it away.

"Damn," I thought. "I didn't know cats did that. It's probably hungry.”

So I grabbed a steak from the fridge and left it on the floor in a corner. A shadow flew across the apartment into the corner. I thought, "That thing is fast."

I went upstairs to go to bed. I was in it for 10-15 minutes when the weight on top of me woke me.

It was Cat and its paws were on my body while it was staring me down and hissing at me. Its form was visible at this point as moonlight drifted into the room. The thing was huge. It was the biggest cat I’d ever seen. It pushed its paws into my chest and thighs and hissed loudly.

I freaked at this point and pushed it off. I thought, maybe it doesn’t like me sleeping on Boss’ bed, so I grabbed a blanket and went to the couch downstairs and pulled it over me.

Again, 10-15 minutes passed and I woke up to it’s weight on top of me. Instead of just standing there and hissing, it was pawing at my face, which luckily was covered with a blanket. At one point I heard its claws rip through the blanket.

This was when the adrenaline hit.

It was a Vikram vs. The Wild moment.

I shoved the thing off with all my might and ran to the fridge. I grabbed a steak, opened the bathroom door, and threw the steak in. Cat ran inside, and I shut the door.

I was breathing heavily. But I felt a minor sense of relief, thinking I had outsmarted Cat.

But then, the bathroom’s door started turning.

Cat knew how to open doors.

At this point, I thought I should leave, but it was the middle of the night and I had no idea where I would go to stay.

So instead, I grabbed another steak, and when Cat came out of the bathroom, I threw the steak in the opposite direction, which it ran toward.

I scrambled into the bathroom, locked myself inside, and spent a couple hours fitfully sleeping in the tub before I had to get to work.

I don’t know where Cat was in the morning, so I was nervous grabbing my stuff, wondering if it was going to jump me or something.

I bounded out the door.

I called Boss that morning and explained. “Yeah, so you know how you said he doesn’t like everybody? I’m everybody.”

He laughed his ass off.

/Fin