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"How to Help When a Person Comes Out as Trans": A Necessary Thread by Me
Today, we are going to talk about how to support trans people when they come out. Though this topic may seem like old news, a refresher can never hurt. Trans people, your input is more than welcome. 1
Today, we are going to talk about how to support trans people when they come out. Though this topic may seem like old news, a refresher can never hurt. Trans people, your input is more than welcome. 1
I cannot say for certain how long this thread will be. Please bear with me as I write this and try to avoid typos and embarrassing grammar mistakes. The first topic I will cover is the actual coming out, when a person tells you they are trans. 2
When a person tells you they are trans, the simplest ways to help are to listen and give support. This is not the time for you, the listener, to make this about yourself. Whether you are cis or trans, this is not about you. This is that person's time to express themselves. 3
For the sake of character limit, I will be using "they" as reference. When they come out to you, you should NOT BE SAYING, "Well, what about ME?" or "Did you ever consider how this would make ME feel?" This is not helpful! This halts trans people from wanting to come out. 4
When inserting your feelings or views into a trans person's story, you are only hindering them. They have it difficult as it is; giving your "opinion" during this time is unwanted. Them coming out to you means they trust you and need your support during this time. 5
Yes, you as the listener may have a hard time comprehending this. This is new news to you and you need processing time. We get that, but you need to push your feelings to the side and allow them to vent to you in a judgement free environment. 6
The initial coming out is different for everyone. No two stories will be the same. Let them be open with you. Remind them you care. They need comfort while discussing this. There are many aspects to coming out and you should be by their side through it all. 7
You can't pick and choose when you want to support them. You either support them through it all, or you don't support them at all. There is no in between. Full support or no support. That's it. 8
The next step is understanding the changes they make. Whether it's a name change, pronoun change, or both, start referring to them by how they tell you to. Do not debate this. Debating this is undermining their experience. 9
"But what if I deadname or misgender them?" A mistake is a mistake. Making comments, though, such as, "I'm so sorry! I'm a bad person! It's hard for me!" is once again, making this about *you* when it should not be. Just apologize and move on. Learn from it. 10
"I don't know how to use their pronouns!" Ask them how their pronouns should be used. Do not be ignorant. Respect their pronouns. Ask them for examples. Give examples yourself and ask for corrections. Neopronouns are still their pronouns, even if you are unfamiliar with them. 11
"They use multiple pronouns! How do I know which ones to use?" Again, ask them. Are there pronouns they prefer? Are they experimenting with pronouns to see which they like best? Do they just want to use more than one set? Whatever the answer is, alternate between them. 12
By alternating between pronouns if they have more than one, it helps them become more comfortable with having them used. Same goes for if they have multiple names; continue to use them alternately instead of sticking to one. 13
If and when they settle on a name and pronouns, regularly use them. They are allowed to change names and pronouns if they wish. Do not question them. "I thought your name and pronouns were—" is a no-no. Part of transitioning is sorting through how they want to be known. 14
I know we hate the words "validate" and "normalize," but that's what needs to be done here. Validate them for who they are and normalize how they want to be referred to. Ask them how you can help personally besides listening. Each person has individual plans. 15
If they request space and alone time, respect that. Pushing them into talking further may push them away from wanting to discuss this with you. You may mean well by wanting them to open up, but respecting their boundaries is important. 16
The next point I want to mention is presentation and passing. Not all trans people want to present or pass a certain way. Assuming they need to "look" to match their identity does not apply to everyone. Some want to present and pass, others do not. 17
Gender norms have made it difficult for trans people to be the way they want to be without their identity being diminished. You can be a trans man and wear dresses and makeup. You can be a trans woman and wear suits and no makeup. 18
"Men don't look like that!" "Women don't look like that!" can be hurtful statements. You shouldn't assume how we should look based on our identity. We do what we think will help us be comfortable in our own skin. 19
Coming out as trans varies from person to person. One experience can be good and another can be bad. We don't just come out once and we're done. We come out to multiple people and receive multiple reactions. 20
For the most part, I think this thread is finished on my part. If I have more to add, of course I'll add to it. If you would like to add to this, feel free to do so. This was pretty general and basic information, but it needs to be reminded often. 21
