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Are you a man? Are you and your partner struggling with infertility? Good news! You get to go through the hilariously awkward process of providing a sperm sample, and boy oh boy, has Hollywood ever lied to you about what that would be like. A (PG-13) thread.
First, I went to the hospital and found the window where I needed to register. Behind the person taking my form was a small lab where they were processing other samples. So far, so good.
The smell hit me as I approached the window. It’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced. Imagine the laundry piles of a thousand teenage boys coming to life and slapping you across the face. Believe me when I say, this really helped set the tone for the rest of the visit.
I was directed around the corner to two “donation rooms”. The first thing you see is a random portable stereo sitting on the floor between them.
I was confused, until it dawned on me that this was to provide some noise to...*ahem*...drown out the sounds of the people donating. Imagine getting to write out the business case for THAT purchase.
As a fun side fact, it was turned off, so what exactly is the trigger for a hospital employee to turn it on? Is it based on decibel level? Do they wait until someone complains? I have questions.
Now, on TV, these rooms are opulent. We’re talking an Italian leather chaise, mahogany hardwood, a big screen plasma, and wall-to-wall pornography. It’s like getting down to business in Pablo Escobar’s house.
In reality, you get what can only be described as the Broom Closet of Shame. I mean, seriously. This might be the least sexy room in the history of rooms. This is where your Baptist grandmother would put you if she wanted to make sure you never touched yourself again.
Instead of a chaise, you get the Grand & Toy special, straight out of the waiting room at your dentist's office. It's even less comfortable than it looks. Pretty sure the cushions are stuffed with bricks.
Instead of porn, you get the saddest poster on Earth. This REALLY doesn’t help get you into the mood. Yes, we know fertility treatments can be challenging. That's literally why I'm here. Stop trying to ruin what was supposed to be the high point of my day.
Finally, instead of mood lighting, you get the harshest fluorescent bulb that humankind has created. And as an added treat, the paper towel dispenser is JUST reflective enough that you have to look at yourself and confront the reality of what you're about to do.
When you finally get down to it, you realize how challenging the physical logistics are. I don't want to get too graphic, but if you've ever watched the opening scene of The 40-Year Old Virgin, you have some idea of what I'm talking about.
Things get oriented in...inconvenient directions. Do you double over à la Steve Carrell? Do you put the cup over top like a tiny little top hat? There are no good options. Plus, the cup is small, and the lip is awfully sharp.
Eventually, you do what needs to be done. The final cherry on top is that you get to put the sample cup into a brown paper bag and walk it back to the lab window. There's nothing quite like carrying a baggie of your boys through a hospital to make you question your life choices.
Here's the thing: infertility sucks. Pregnancy loss sucks. Finding out you may not be able to have kids sucks. Most of this process isn't fun or funny, but I'll be damned if I'm not going to focus on the parts that are.
PS. I try to be open about this, so no concerns if anyone wants to share. I like to think it helps others going through it feel less alone.
