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US: It is easy: we are 26% of world trade, making deals with EU (20%) and China (17%). We don’t need your 1.8%. No deal: easy
UK: But we really need a deal, the EU outsmarted us
US: We know. Some of us can read. Not Trump, obviously, but the rest of us. Try India
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UK: But we really need a deal, the EU outsmarted us
US: We know. Some of us can read. Not Trump, obviously, but the rest of us. Try India
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UK: Hi India, remember us?
India: Oh fuck, these guys again
UK: We want a trade deal
India: And we want to vastly increase the number of Indians who can live in the UK
UK: We can’t do that. Turns out we’re, like, properly racist
India: That is brand new information!!
India: Oh fuck, these guys again
UK: We want a trade deal
India: And we want to vastly increase the number of Indians who can live in the UK
UK: We can’t do that. Turns out we’re, like, properly racist
India: That is brand new information!!
UK: So can we have a deal?
India: Sure, fine. Join the queue
UK: Who’s in front of us in the queue?
India: EU, USA, China, Brazil, Korea, Canada, Australia… basically everybody. We’re kind of a big deal now.
UK: So you’ll be ready to negotiate in, what: 3 weeks?
India: Sure, fine. Join the queue
UK: Who’s in front of us in the queue?
India: EU, USA, China, Brazil, Korea, Canada, Australia… basically everybody. We’re kind of a big deal now.
UK: So you’ll be ready to negotiate in, what: 3 weeks?
India: Ha ha ha ha ha
UK: What did we say?
India: 3 weeks? Try 3 years. This shit takes ages, bro
UK: But we had a timetable of 3 weeks with the EU
India: And how did that work out?
UK: Erm…
India: Try Brazil
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UK: What did we say?
India: 3 weeks? Try 3 years. This shit takes ages, bro
UK: But we had a timetable of 3 weeks with the EU
India: And how did that work out?
UK: Erm…
India: Try Brazil
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UK: Hi Brazil
Brazil: We ArE oN FiRe!!
UK: Maybe we can trade you some fire engines?
Brazil: We LiKe bEiNg oN FiRe, iT's OuR tHiNg NoW!!!
UK: Shall we try New Zealand?
Brazil: I aM So DrUnK!!
UK: Yeah, let's try New Zealand
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Brazil: We ArE oN FiRe!!
UK: Maybe we can trade you some fire engines?
Brazil: We LiKe bEiNg oN FiRe, iT's OuR tHiNg NoW!!!
UK: Shall we try New Zealand?
Brazil: I aM So DrUnK!!
UK: Yeah, let's try New Zealand
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UK: Hi, New Zealand
NZ: Hi, Crazy Uncle
UK: We'd like to sell you some lamb
NZ: Sorry, it's very noisy here, cos we still have a working economy. Did you say you want to sell us some lamb?
UK: Yes
NZ: Hold the line, gotta tell Australia this, they'll piss themselves
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NZ: Hi, Crazy Uncle
UK: We'd like to sell you some lamb
NZ: Sorry, it's very noisy here, cos we still have a working economy. Did you say you want to sell us some lamb?
UK: Yes
NZ: Hold the line, gotta tell Australia this, they'll piss themselves
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UK: Hi Australia, wanna trade stuff?
Aus: We wanna offload Rolf Harris and our worst ever PM. What can you give us for them?
UK: We've already got them
Aus: That was easy! So what can you trade?
UK: We can send you some racists
Aus: I think we're sorted. Try Russia
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Aus: We wanna offload Rolf Harris and our worst ever PM. What can you give us for them?
UK: We've already got them
Aus: That was easy! So what can you trade?
UK: We can send you some racists
Aus: I think we're sorted. Try Russia
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UK: Hi Russia, we have loads of lovely things we think you'd love to own
Russia: We already own them
UK: You don't own Boris
Russia: True. We rent him by the hour. £160k for a tennis match
UK: We really need a trade deal
Russia: We know. We made you need one. Try China
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Russia: We already own them
UK: You don't own Boris
Russia: True. We rent him by the hour. £160k for a tennis match
UK: We really need a trade deal
Russia: We know. We made you need one. Try China
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UK: Can we please have a trade deal?
China: And you are...?
UK: We’re Great Britain
China: Great, you say?
UK: Well… once
China: It’s not ringing any bells. Do you have another name?
UK: United Kingdom
China: United, you say?
UK: Alright, smart arse
China: And you are...?
UK: We’re Great Britain
China: Great, you say?
UK: Well… once
China: It’s not ringing any bells. Do you have another name?
UK: United Kingdom
China: United, you say?
UK: Alright, smart arse
China: So you want a trade deal?
UK: Yes, but first we demand you obey international law
China: What happened to your deal with the EU?
UK: We broke international law
China: Have you been drinking moonshine with Brazil again?
UK: We're very tired.
UK: Yes, but first we demand you obey international law
China: What happened to your deal with the EU?
UK: We broke international law
China: Have you been drinking moonshine with Brazil again?
UK: We're very tired.
China: Why did you leave the EU?
UK: We couldn’t deal with foreigners telling us what to do
China: What do you want?
UK: A deal
China: With who?
UK: Foreigners
China: And why can’t you get one?
UK: Cos we don’t know what to do
China: Were you dropped as a child?
UK: We couldn’t deal with foreigners telling us what to do
China: What do you want?
UK: A deal
China: With who?
UK: Foreigners
China: And why can’t you get one?
UK: Cos we don’t know what to do
China: Were you dropped as a child?
UK: We just want a trade deal worthy of our status
China: You’ve got one
UK: No we haven’t
China: Yes you have
UK: Why won't anybody take us seriously?
China: Would you like to buy a mirror?
UK: Finally, a deal!
China: You’ve got one
UK: No we haven’t
China: Yes you have
UK: Why won't anybody take us seriously?
China: Would you like to buy a mirror?
UK: Finally, a deal!
China: You had a deal worthy of your status, with the EU. You don’t need to renegotiate deals: you need to reassess your status. You’re not a mighty nation, you’re a small, wet, heavily indebted island on the edge of an globally important trade bloc, which you just left, you tit
UK: So, what do you suggest?
China: Aw, mate. You already know…
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EU: Hi there! Here to rejoin?
UK: Yes, and on the same terms as before
EU: Oh, I don’t think so. Say goodbye to your rebate, hello to the Euro, and bonjour to the Schengen area. Welcommen!
UK: We hate you
China: Aw, mate. You already know…
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EU: Hi there! Here to rejoin?
UK: Yes, and on the same terms as before
EU: Oh, I don’t think so. Say goodbye to your rebate, hello to the Euro, and bonjour to the Schengen area. Welcommen!
UK: We hate you
