when mom died part of me died too.

fucking thread.

life is fucking cruel. if you don't know that already you'll learn it soon. being alive is hard.

we crave human connection. we get it. we lose it. and it hurts. that's one of the fucking circles of life.

you fall in love with people and they die. one day it'll be your turn.

you open yourself up to people. give them a piece of you. the best case scenario is you stay connected forever. then one of you dies and that connection just dangles like a downed power line.

people will say i'm being cynical and dark, but i'm not. i'm being truthful. factual. i'm not exaggerating in the least. it's hard.

being lonely is painful. loving is also painful. love is a promise to hurt. when you open your heart to someone, you're basically saying "i will hurt just to have you in my life."

loving means you give someone access to all your self-destruct buttons. it's scary. sometimes, they'll push one of those buttons. they'll leave, or change, or betray you, or die. it's not always intentional. just happens sometimes.

there's no meaning to this pain. no big reason for it. it's just heartpain. one of life's guarantees. what's worse is, cutting yourself off from it means drowning your inner self. it fucks with you. changes you.

when mom died i thought, "why care about people if it ultimately feels like this?"

"how could this pain have been avoided?" pragmatic 'ol me had an idea. stop caring.

i couldn't though. oh i tried. it was dark. i didn't talk to anyone about the thoughts i was having. thinking how lucky my mom is to be the one who died before me, my brothers, any of my other close family members.

a year later i was thinking the same thing as we buried my oldest brother. mom was spared. the dead ones were the lucky ones.

i bet a lot of people are in this place, or have been there.

i have no advice to give you. wish i did. i just had to accept this lot in life. i call it "the weight of love."

you can't have love without making yourself available to some harsh, deep suffering.

and without making yourself available to that pain, you end up hurting just as much if not more. that's what a lot of people don't realize.

the cool thing about loving people is that, even though it leads to pain, there's a lot that it gives back.

when mom died, part of me died. but, she'd given me so much. eventually i realized i was much more than i ever could have been had i never known her.

same goes for every person i love.

it's worth it.