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Have I ever told you about the first time I fell in love? It was the summer of 1963 in the Catskills, and I was getting ready to start Mt. Holyoke in the fall, where I was going to major in that old standby, Economics of Underdeveloped Countries.
I thought I’d never find a guy as great as my dad, but then I met a professional dancer named Penny who was pregnant with a real son of a bitch named Robbie’s kid. I knew Robbie was worthless as soon as he told me to read The Fountainhead.
Ayn Rand gives zero fucks about the economics of underdeveloped countries, so I poured a pitcher of water down Robbie’s trousers & went to my awesome dad for help. Penny needed fast cash to abort Howard Roark Jr.’s spawn, & I knew Daddy would give it to me.
He did! & Penny was SET. Except she was supposed to dance the mambo at the Sheldrake Hotel the ONLY night the faceless abortion mob doctor monster could make it! So, I did what I do— I filled in. In less time than it takes to listen to Eric Carmen’s ‘Hungry Eyes,’ I was a dancer.
Spoiler: I didn’t do the lift. But we got through it! Not so much Penny, tho. Surprisingly, that transaction went south quick, & I had to call my dad to fix it. He was pretty mad & he left me with one choice—
I had to go lose my virginity to my mega-hot dance partner Johnny, who I met through my friend, his cousin & expository man-servant, Billy.
We did & it was seamless! Before I knew it, I was in love. I kissed my capris and my Keds good-bye, & simulated fellatio with Johnny in the dance studio to Mickey & Sylvia. We would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for Neil, the resort owner's grandson.
He goes to the Cornell School of Hotel Mgmt., so you know he's gotta be an asshole. He wouldn't even hear Johnny's ideas for the final dance! WHO WOULDN'T WANT TO WATCH JOHNNY & THE DANCE KIDS DO A CUBAN STEP CROSSED WITH A SOUL RHYTHM? Neil. That's who. Dick.
Anyway, Johnny & I had a fight, because I wanted him to fight harder! Tell Neil his ideas! Neil's just a person, too, right? But Johnny was super mad. His dad had just called him with some REALLY bad news-- he had a job for him Union #179, the House Painters & Plasterers.
I mean, can you imagine anything worse? A trade union job? What a come down. I should know, I was going to Mt. Holyoke that fall to major in Economics of Underdeveloped Countries, and we all know labor unions don't help out with underdeveloped economics AT ALL.
Anyway, the next thing I knew, I was painting a palm tree wearing the smallest tank top known to humankind, and I saw this middle-aged whore Vivian, one of the Bungalow Bunnies, try to score with my man & I was like, Oh, HELL no.
But I said nothing. I just nibbled on a danish. Pure protein, you know?
Well, long story short, Johnny gave Vivian the brush off & we made rain-soaked love, this time to The Shirelles. I was only 18, but I had the moves, because Johnny had the moves (he's a strong partner, he can lead anybody, and was probably like 40, but who knew? It was 1963).
Then he got FIRED because Vivian was PISSED & accused Johnny of stealing & what a bitch, I mean, like Johnny said, HE wasn't using HER, SHE was using HIM, one minute he's living on Jujubees, the next she's stuffing diamonds in his pocket, MIXED SIGNALS, amirite?
Oh, I forgot to mention-- at one point, I carried a watermelon.
Well, finally, it was the night of the final dance. I sulked at the table with my clueless mom & my PO'd dad & watched my wack-ass sister Lisa "sing." Then I heard a ruckus-- Johnny was back! He rescued me from the corner where I sat! He called me by my real name!
He took me onstage & we danced to a song curiously unlike anything I'd ever heard before, almost like it was from the future, like Penny's hairstyles & blouses.
This time, I did the lift! And my dad was cool with EVERYTHING. Until Johnny moved to Western Massachusetts with me & enrolled at UMass, & Dad was NOT having it. Anyway, tragically, Johnny had to drop out & join the union.
I never made it to the Peace Corps. I ran into Neil at a Harvard mixer in '67. He had really filled out! We danced the Pachanga at our wedding.
It was a GREAT idea.
