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Yesterday was #WorldSuicidePreventionDay 
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About ten years ago, I tried to take my life for the last time. It culminated with me going to the ER, drinking tar and being placed on a 5150 that turned into a couple weeks in the county mental hospital.
-About ten years ago, I tried to take my life for the last time. It culminated with me going to the ER, drinking tar and being placed on a 5150 that turned into a couple weeks in the county mental hospital.
I missed the first couple weeks of my junior year of high school. No one knew where I was except my boyfriend and my high school basketball coach. My facebook memory for today was a teammate saying she missed me and asking/hoping I'd come back to school.
I say I'm living on borrowed time alot because if you asked that 15 year old girl, she never saw a life past 18. And had God let her decide, I wouldn't be here. It's wild to look at the person I've become and things I've accomplished over the past decade.
I often tell people if I die tomorrow I'll be fine with it. I have a lot more to accomplish but I'd never thought I'd make it this far. At 19, I figured out my purpose and I've been living in it ever since.
I'm content knowing i'm purpose driven every second of every day I have left on this Earth. I could romanticize my trauma and tell you that it all goes away but it doesn't. but you do learn how to heal and cope, these things are life long journeys.
Sometimes, my body will do things to protect me subconsciously to remind me just how much we've been through. Being a survivor of childhood sexual abuse means reteaching my body what healthy boundaries are. It means unlearning subconscious safeguards my brain has installed.
Some days I still catch my body in survival mode.Some days I still remember what it feels like to be scared& small. Too feel right in all the wrong ways, to hate the attention this body gets me. But I remind myself, I am powerful. This body is MINE and it is my choice to love it.
I'm bipolar and I have anxiety and sometimes I swear I'm crazy (completely unrelated lol) but I have learned this is MY journey and my diagnosis does not change who I am nor invalidate my emotions.
Yesterday, I felt so content with my life and my choices and the woman I am constantly molding myself to be. I hope you guys push through that fear, those hard seasons, the darkness to reach this peace too.
I love you. You are important. You matter.
Also fun fact - the mental hospital I was in was named College so its been a running joke in my family when things get crazy that someone may need to "go to College" lol
It wasn't funny ten years ago, to neither me nor my family but look what time does.
It wasn't funny ten years ago, to neither me nor my family but look what time does.
