Hi! I'm your terrible hiring manager. It's time to hire someone! Come along on my journey.

I get a lot of resumes and that sucks. I need to filter them somehow. At this point I require at least a masters degree, but I'm thinking I may expand this to postdocs only.

There are still a lot of resumes, so I throw half of them away. This is a best practice because I don't want to hire someone who's unlucky.

Next I'm going to use a bunch of AI tests to see if you advance to the next stage.

Have I trialed these on my existing employees? Are you freaking nuts?! Of course not, they'd quit on the spot if I asked them to do something this demeaning!

Next, I briefly skim your cover letter and resume, but spend three hours stalking your social media posts from 2014.

Sometimes I send a "sorry, we went in another direction," but usually I just ghost you.

I'll absolutely never tell you the truth: my frat buddy "Spretch" just got fired so I vetoed all of the candidates so I could hire him instead.