I've been thinking a bit today about advice-giving and lopsided relationships. Usually I think of advice as something that should only be offered (a) in the context of a close relationship or (b) when it's specifically requested. Social media has upended that. /1

This thread from @kariebookish does a good job of summing up how exhausting it can be to get a constant flood of unsolicited advice. https://twitter.com/kariebookish/status/1299992055377256448?s=20 /2

On top of Karie's excellent points about unsolicited advice often being infantilizing and overly-simplistic, I'd add that it also isn't that useful because the person offering it doesn't know enough about the person to whom they're giving the advice. /3

Having limits on who can give advice and in what context is a good way to stem the flow of unsolicited advice, but it only works if we're all on the same page re the intimacy level of our relationships - and social media is specifically designed to undermine those boundaries. /4

It makes us think that we know IG influencers with 100k+ followers, that Twitter banter is the same as a real friendship, that passively consuming Facebook updates about each other is the same thing as keeping in touch. In doing so, it leads to uneven perceptions of closeness. /5

You might think you know someone well because you chat a lot on Twitter - but what do you chat about? Is it deep, or is it fluff? Do they chat with hundreds of people just like you? Are you mistaking kindness for intimacy? Think about these things before you offer advice. /6

Other questions I'm working on asking myself before I offer advice to someone:

1. Has this person asked me for advice before?
2. Have we exchanged emotional support recently?
3. Do we talk about less public aspects of our lives with each other? /7

4. Does this person often receive unsolicited advice, such that mine might feel like yet another piece of unwanted, infantilizing noise?
5. In offering advice, will I seem like I'm requiring the other person to explain themself? /8

These questions help me more accurately assess (a) the true closeness of a relationship, (b) whether my advice would be welcome, and (c) whether my advice would be adding to an existing cacophony.

Or try some version of asking whether they'd like advice before you give it. /9

Obviously nobody went and made me Queen of Healthy Social Media Interactions. I can't set rules for everybody. But I think being honest with ourselves about our closeness with others is good and healthy for a lot of reasons. It's worth some thought. 10/10