19 years ago today, my Aunt Deepa Pakkala left her home in New Jersey to go to the World Trade Center for work and never came home. She was only 31 years old. 9/11 changed my family forever.

I'd like to tell you about that day from my family's perspective. /1 (Thread)

Deepa married my mother’s older brother. She came to America only a few years after my parents.

She became a sister to my mother—they both shared a love of fashion, Western movies, and ambitions to “make it” in America.

They endured the immigrant journey together. /2

I remember her as kind, even when I made mistakes (like drawing all over the walls of her house). She was stylish, with an easy laugh.

Most of all, I remember her joy when she became a mom. It is my last memory of her. Deepa would die 7 months after giving birth in the WTC. /3

On the morning of 9/11, I was in 2nd grade living in Erie. My parents came to pick me up. They were stonefaced for the entire 6.5 hour journey to NJ.

My mom told me there had been a terrible accident. She said my Aunt Deepa might be hurt or worse. /4

When we arrived, my Uncle was there. He was frantic. “She hasn’t come home” he said. My father and Uncle left that night and didn’t return until morning.

They checked every hospital in NYC. Nobody had seen her. /5

My family never received Deepa’s body. There was no funeral. Years later, the 9/11 team tasked with finding remains would find a small pinky bone of sorts.

We were one of the lucky ones. Many families never found anything at all. This just compounded the lack of closure. /6

In the days after, a family friend was left at our home. A boy that was my age. He slept b/t my mother and grandmother while I took the floor.

He cried every night asking for his mom. I cried too. His grief was palpable. /7

His mother was Deepika Sattaluri. She died in the World Trade Center as well.

Her son Amish and I would spend days together afterwards as his father tried to pick up the pieces and figure out what life would be like after losing her. /8

I stayed in New Jersey for months. I repeated the 2nd grade because of how much school I missed.

I remember the support groups, and meeting more 9/11 families. I remember the politicians that came and shook hands with us. It all passed by so quickly. /9

After 9/11, my family experienced bigotry in Erie. Adults felt empowered to say terrible things to us.

It's a fine line to walk, between accused perpetrator and victim. We did it daily while processing our grief. Of everything to come from 9/11, I am most angry about that. /10

My mom cried for years on the anniversary. My Dad wouldn't talk the entire day—he’s not a crier. My Uncle’s anger faded and he remarried.

My family, in a move I disagreed with strongly, chose not to tell Trisha about her mother until she was 11 years old. /11

Today, I can’t watch documentaries or videos of the towers burning without tears. Over the years, I’ve received permission to leave classrooms when I know they're doing something.

Most people see a building burning. I see people I loved and those my friends loved dying. /12

We moved on. People say time heals all wounds and for some of us, the passage of time helped. I knew others that never recovered and developed severe health issues from the stress.

19 years later, the 9/11 community is still bonded so strongly together. /13

A decade after 9/11, the memorial opened, and I remember attending the first day with my father and Uncle.

When we arrived in NJ, we told my cousin that I was touring colleges in NYC. The inability to tell her the truth hurt. /14

I can’t possibly convey how healing it was to see Deepa’s name etched into metal. The memorial was only open to families on the first day, and I remember the bittersweetness of seeing people I knew years ago.

We laughed. We cried. We reminisced. /15

Today, hug the people you love. Call your parents. If you’ve taken anything from this story, let it be this: Life can change drastically in the blink of an eye.

9/11 taught me the strength of love, and the power of community. /16

We will never get back the people taken from us, but I am grateful for the friends and family that came into our lives.

My Uncle’s new wife brought us so much joy. In all of this, she has been our greatest blessing. /17

If you made it this far, thanks for reading an 18-part thread.

If you’re another 9/11 family member reading this, then sending lots of love to you on this day as well. Thanks everyone. /18

Largely inspired by the Paul Krugman tweet, I decided to publish a piece on losing my Aunt and the bigotry I experienced afterwards. Check it out and let me know your thoughts. https://nikitharai.substack.com/p/on-love-loss-and-identity-my-911