Hello straight people, why are you so rubbish at defending YOUR rights? If was straight I would be shocked by the new definition of heterosexuality that the Scottish govt intends to enshrine in its Hate Crime Bill, and the sneaky way it's been smuggled in.

2./ In the section referring to sexual orientation (which is a protected characteristic in the Equality Act) the definition of heterosexuality has been changed. According to Nicola Sturgeon heterosexuality no longer means "attracted to the opposite sex".

3./ Instead she and the rest of the SNP leadership have decided it now means "attracted to a different sex". This is being done in order to maintain the unscientific nonsense that there is an infinitely varied spectrum of sexes; not just male and female. Remember them?

4./ Who knows how humanity has managed to survive with just two biological sexes for over a quarter of a million years. Thank god the SNP have rescued us from our sub-optimal strategy of binary sexual reproduction. Phew, it was a close run thing. Holyrood to the rescue.

5./ I don't know about you but I was quite fond of the old definition for you lot. "Attracted to the opposite sex" seemed quite snappy. But hey if you want to change it then that's up to you. What.. the SNP didn't ask you? Don't worry. It'll just be a little administrative error.

6./ I feel for the bisexuals though. They're apparently now "attracted to both persons of the same sex and persons of a different sex", which has a slightly creepy feel since no one has a clue what a different sex is whereas opposite sex made perfect bloody sense.

7./ Maybe the SNP think, "why should we bother explaining. We're the SNP and we're saving humanity". But I'll let you into a secret. All this is because 'different sex' is a coinage in the esoteric bible of the woke called the Yogyakarta Principles, cobbled together in 2007.

8./ Updated in 2017, they have absolutely no official status. They're entirely advisory. They were drawn up by a bunch of eminent if rather crazily utopian human rights lawyers, some of whom now regret what they unwittingly unleashed.

9./ The YP as they're known may now have momentum behind them but they were first adopted by the dodgiest and most corrupt politicians in Europe. Yep here's looking at you Malta. They're currently being promoted as gospel within the EU by @helenadalli.

10./ She was until recently a leading Minister in the Maltese govt which is now accused of high-level involvement in the killing of investigative journalist Daphne Galizia. The trans rights pioneer in Europe, Malta is proof that virtue signalling has nothing to do with virtue.

11./ Back to the story of another small nation bamboozled by its attempts to present itself as a shining beacon of "progressive" values. What is happening in Scotland is the implementation of ideas justiified by the YP but derived from that academic morass:"Queer Theory".

12./ Queer Theory's driving inspiration is that heterosexuality must be dismantled. Only by making straight people feel as victimised and uncertain as Queer theory says LGBTQ+ people feel, can LGBTQ+ people ever be free. This is obviously bonkers.

13./ The vast majority of gay people just want to live alongside straight people as equals. Given that we are all related to and have some of our strongest and most important relationships with straight people that's no surprise. Queer Theory despises all this as "accommodation".

14./ Above all Queer Theory loves spreading misery, a sense of victimhood and above all "disruption"; its favourite word. We've seen recently how in the guise of trans rights "queer" activists have "disrupted" feminism by trying to redefine what it is to be a woman. Sorry womxn.

15./ "Queer" activists have also taken over once proud gay groups like Stonewall and turned them into vehicles for their mad ideas. They exploit the fluffy goodwill that gay rights earned up to 2015 and now put it to use to "disrupt" society. Of course this will end in disaster.

16./ When it becomes apparent to the public what they're up to there will be a terrible backlash. But in the meantime, the strategy is to change laws as quietly as they can to reflect their ideas; to enshrine their madness as a new normal. Cue: the Hate Crime Bill.

17./ Far be it from gay people to lecture our fellow straight citizens about their best interests. But would you mind waking up and smelling the coffee. I for one would be sorry to see you redefined without consultation. Maybe you don't care?