Goveller’s Travels

Friday 11th September 1727

I had by my computation made four leagues from Blefuscu when a sail steering to the south-east spied me, hung out her ancient – a fine sunglasses emoji - and pulled me aboard. It is not easy to express the joy I was in.

RMS Brexcusitania, was returning from a team-building expedition in Belarus and aboard, were three hundred and fifty Tories. But their decorum was lost. No win no fee Attorney General Suella Braverman was staring at an upside down Brexit withdrawal agreement, repeating under

her breath ‘You deserve to be here, you deserve to be here’; with inflation gone out of control, ship’s boy Rishi Sunak was frantically minting millions of pound coins to ballast the ship against the loose Euros in Grant Shapps’s Burtons trouser pocket; supervised by skidshipman

Daniel Hannan, Liz Truss sailor first class, or ‘Sheila nice arse’ as Tony Abbot called her from his hammock, was selling bits of the NHS to Americans on E-bay; up in the rigging the common tars, Steve Baker, Mike Fabricant, Bernard Jenkin and John Redwood flung fistfuls of

their own waste at one another shouting ‘you lost, get over it’ whenever they scored hit; having sought refuge from it all in a JP Morgan sponsored lifeboat, Tobias Elwood was being violently rocked by overexcited first-time sailors Dehenna Davison and Lee Anderson; below deck

Jacob Rees-Mogg, bat wings folded, snored loudly in a coffin of Ulster soil; Dominic Raab stripped naked stood on the Anne Widdecombe bowsprit harpooning rare seabirds; up in the crow’s nest ship’s cat Brandon Lewis meowed that we were about to hit an iceberg in a very specific

and limited way; and Boris, whack-a-mole mallet in hand, was attempting to send a hundred thousand paternity tests a time into orbit, none of which cleared the mainstay, all of which were positive. It was too much for me, to see this once proud Party of ineptitude, smarm and

sleaze, descend into a mire of ineptitude, smarm and sleaze. So I spoke in very undiplomatic yet motivating language: that they needed to pull themselves together, if not for their own sake, then for the poor souls at Serco and Deloitte who needed us now, more than ever

before. I shall not trouble the reader with a particular account of the rest of the voyage, suffice it say, bewilderingly, things went from bad to worse. But my account of the next, must be referred to the Second Part of my Travels.

Goveller's Travels will return on Monday.