CW: Suicide

All right, folks, strap in. It's Suicide Prevention Month, and Week, and this is very nearly my birthday. So...we're gonna talk suicide, ideation, what really goes through someone's head when it's happening. We're going to talk about things that are heavy.

So, for those unaware, I'm a suicide survivor. I've tried more than once. Tried pills. Tried electrocution. Tried a shotgun. The last was the most recent, and only failed because I couldn't figure out how to get the safety off. If I'd been more proficient with it, I'd be dead.

When it happened, I'd been down for a while, of course. And it wasn't a secret. Everyone around me knew. Hell, the roommate who owned the shotgun had previously offered it to me explicitly for the purpose of killing myself, because I was being such a sad sack.

I think most people who knew me knew I was depressed, but very few had any idea what to do, from a practical standpoint. It isn't really something we talk about. Sure, there's reaching out, please go get help, etc etc. But beyond that...what can you do?

So let me talk about what happened, what was going through my head, and then I'll get into some things that have helped me, and might help others. Before I start, though, I want to make sure that everyone reading this knows something, very, very important.

No one involved in that night is responsible for what I tried to do afterward. This won't be naming anyone, but those who know me may be able to guess. This isn't about blame. I give the situation so that people might better understand what happened to bring me to that point.

So, I used to LARP. Parlor style, World of Darkness. The day in question was an October Saturday, and it was what my organization called a 'Featured Game'. We did two different games, one in the afternoon, one in the evening, with plans to bring in travelers from all over.

The afternoon game was Werewolf, I was playing my clever, acerbic surgeon. Who managed to come up with a brilliant plan to rescue the hostage and get everyone out alive. And it worked. They lost one person to an explosives mishap before things got going, and saved an extra.

The plan went great, and I felt good about how it all went. I had a lot of friends around. It was, all considered, a pretty darned good afternoon. So as far as my mood went, I was doing pretty well. The evening game was Vampire, and that's when things went off the rails.

Vampire is, by its nature, much more political, and fraught with interpersonal conflict. As a result, it's a lot easier to wind up with hurt feelings and the like during game. It didn't help that my character was the sort to be spying on nearly everyone. The inciting conflict...

...was one where there was out of character disagreement about how certain mechanics should be applied. My character was using a power that rendered him invisible, provided he did not interact with anything physically. So I mostly followed people around, listening in.

Obviously, few like their secret conversations overheard, especially when they know out of game, but do not know in game. Tensions get high. That evening included an attempted coup, so it was quite fraught. At one point, a group I was following went through a door.

Those going ahead of me were in such a rush, they shoved the door open, but didn't hold it for everyone to make it through. Out of innate habit, I reached out to hold open the door so it didn't hit the person in front of me. Instantly, an 'Aha!' rang out.

The conflict was whether my stopping the door constituted a breach of my invisibility. I argued that I was trying to prevent out of character harm. The other player argued that I had, explicitly, violated the rules as written.

Eventually, my anxiety took over, and I had to go.

I fled the hotel where we held the game, getting in my car, ignoring basically everyone who tried to talk to me on the way out. I sped well above the legal limit from Conway to Little Rock, practically ran from my car into the apartment, and sat on my bed, hyperventilating.

The entire drive had been nothing but self recriminations. Bad at the game. Shouldn't have gone. Everyone's mad at me. They all hate me now. I'm worthless. I'm a burden. I ruin things for everyone. I hate myself. I would be better off dead.

That last one echoed in my head quite a bit. I sat down at my computer, trying to reach out to people, knowing that I was a lot closer to the danger zone than I wanted to be. Trouble was, most of my friends, and basically everyone nearby, was at the game. It being past 11 PM...

...there weren't really people around. I tried calling the Suicide Hotline, and was put on hold then disconnected. I decided that was the final sign I was waiting for. I went into the living room, and took the loaded shotgun kept there for self defense.

I went back into my room, locked the doors, and proceeded to fumble with the weapon, trying to get it to work. While I did, I emailed a group in the UK who did some crisis intervention via email. (This was several years ago, before texting/email was a widespread option for that.)

It wasn't much, but they tried their best. Without a real connection, it was a struggle. But it did distract me somewhat, and I could not manage to work the gun.

Defeated, I went to bed, crying myself to sleep. I couldn't even manage to kill myself right. How worthless.

Fast forward a couple of days, and on Monday, my sister and her husband blocked my car in the work parking lot, demanding that I go with them to a hospital. I did, got help, and I'm still here. Several years later, I've been on medication, in and out of therapy. It isn't easy.

But I'm still here to write. So there's that.

So what should we glean from all this?

Well, I'm a mathematician. So I'm going to caution everyone not to extrapolate too far from this particular data point. I'm unusual in a lot of ways. But, here's what I know:

Suicidal ideation is often compounded with severe feelings of shame. They may be for understandable causes, like losing a job or ending a relationship. Or they might be something as trivial as a game. But telling someone about how awful they will make others feel isn't great.

I already think I cause untold harm to those around me. I already *know* that I make other people hurt. So when I sit with those feelings, and get told "If you do this, you'll hurt X" what it makes me think isn't "Oh, wow. I wouldn't want X to hurt. I'd better stop."

What I think is "I'm going to hurt X no matter what I do. If I live, I hurt them over a prolonged period. If I die, it will hurt more short term, but it's like taking off a bandage. Faster hurts more, but lessens the overall pain. Better to rip it off. Get it over with."

Similarly, telling me how selfish it is to even consider it winds up in much the same bucket. Using negative feelings to try to fight negative feelings is almost always going to be a losing proposition. Even if it keeps me alive short term, it will make things worse in the end.

Things that have helped? As one might expect given the previous tweet, positive feelings. Don't tell me about the bad things my actions might cause. Tell me about the good things *I already do* that you will miss. Tell me why you want me around at all. Tell me you like me.

And if you can, tell me some reasons why. Because I promise you, when your friend is down that low, they do not see any reason anyone would put up with them. They can't see the good things. Just the bad. So give them some ammunition to fight their demons.

Maybe they write the best happy birthday message on facebook. Maybe they're a great hugger. But the more you tell them these things, even if they initially reject them/outwardly deny them, the more it will sink in. And when they're down, they'll have something to counter with.

Something else worth noting. When people are very far down, reaching out isn't really a practical suggestion. So however much you think offering to listen is the best idea, often you're going to have to be a bit more proactive. You're going to have to reach out.

You're going to have to ask them what's going on. And remind them that you're offering, that they aren't a burden. And then? You have to listen. And not judge. This isn't easy. A friend saying they want to die is scary. And if you're not up for that conversation, don't have it.

But if you are, remember that telling someone about these feelings is an IMMENSE sign of trust. We don't talk about ideation and being down in front of just anyone. We fear rejection. We fear having police called. (Speaking of? Never, ever, call police. Don't.)

We fear scaring people away from us. Because it happens, and it isn't uncommon. So when we confide, take that for what it is. Encourage them to get help. Talk to a professional. And here's where I can offer some practical suggestions.

Getting an appointment with a doctor or psychiatrist is not always easy, and for people with mental illness, there may well be barriers they're struggling with. You, their friend, can offer to help in a number of ways.
1. Offer to check with their insurance for providers nearby.

Navigating health insurance isn't easy or fun, and it can be incredibly daunting. Having someone you trust hand you a list of already verified options just waiting for a call can be a tremendous help.
2. If they're still struggling with the call, offer to be there with them.

Covid makes it hard to sit and hold hands, of course, but being on a zoom/skype/discord call while someone makes that call can be helpful. A smiling, friendly, encouraging face can make a huge difference.

3. Depending on your intimacy with your friend, you can also offer to call for them. Generally, HIPAA prevents sharing of information to a third party, but if you can provide the information, you can often set up an appointment for them.

4. If they don't have insurance, help them research low cost options in the area. Maybe there are free clinics. Maybe there are research studies. Maybe there are programs that offer to help people with costs. But again, it is a LOT easier when someone hands you options.

5. Once they've got an appointment, help them keep it. If they're comfortable, ask them when the appointment is, and keep a note of it. Set a reminder. Offer to give them a ride, or set one up. Be encouraging. Be happy that they're going. Support their efforts.

6. Once someone starts treatment, it brings a lot of additional challenges. Obtaining and remembering medication. Therapy appointments. Follow up appointments. Being there to help with things can be a real boon to someone unsure of themselves with treatment.

7. For those who take medication, try to keep an eye on them. Check in. Some side effects may not be easy for the individual to see, but much clearer from the outside. You can also check to see if they've taken their meds. I have a friend who sometimes has trouble remembering.

So to help me keep accountability, and them remember, I ping them when I take MY medication. This way, if they don't see my message, they can poke at me. But it also reminds them "Oh, yeah, MY meds!" Win Win.

8. Remember that treatment, like it is for any illness, is not necessarily a straight line. There can, and almost certainly will, be setbacks. Maybe the first medications don't help, or have nasty side effects. Maybe the first therapist is a jerk.

When these obstacles come up, it will be easy to sink back into hopelessness. So help your friend by being there to encourage them to keep trying. Therapy can be a huge help, but without the right therapist, it can also be a big negative.

Medications are not one size fits all, and often need to be updated and changed. Even when a medication works initially, the dosage may need adjusting, or other medications added, to keep the medicine efficacious. These are not defeats. They are steps on a journey.

9. Tell your friends, whether they suffer or not, what they mean to you, as often as you can. It isn't always easy to see who might be struggling, and you never know when that bit of kindness can make all the difference in the world.

10. This one's pretty tough. But remember that your friend, the one you care about enough to read this obscenely long thread? They're your friend, even when they're sick. When they're hurting. When they're down. Telling them to cheer up isn't helping.

(Yes, self care first. If they're overwhelming your own capacity, it is okay to direct them to professional help, and ask them to try to get assistance that way. It can be more than we can bear, some days.) Don't make anyone feel like they're less, because they're sick.

For those of you who suffer, as I and so many others do, know that you are not alone. Your illness(es) are not your fault. There is no shame in getting help, whether that's medication, therapy, both, or something else entirely. There is no blame to be had.

You are a worthwhile person, in and of yourself. You do not need to justify your place here. You are doubtless loved by many more than you might realize. You are worthy of love and affection, whether you believe it right now or not.

Thank you, to anyone who's made it this far. I didn't realize this was going to go on quite so long, but apparently I had a lot to say tonight. I hope this has helped someone. Whether it's to better understand someone you know, or to be reminded that you aren't alone.

I spent five years working claims and customer service for Blue Cross. I've been handling medical insurance and the like for some time. If you need help understanding your insurance, what it covers, etc, feel free to ask. I'll help as best I can.

We all lift together. In a world that has been turned upside down and set aflame...be kind, and be there for each other. Sometimes, that's all we have.