Tw suicide, mental health struggles, bullying. A lot of necessary conversations have happened recently around how we talk about suicide provention. I was eight when I first expressed out loud the desire to kill myself.

It starts being mentioned in my school reports, how I said things like I'd rather be dead than blind. I was experiencing horrific bullying at the time, I was miserable and I wanted to die. I'd obsess about the ways I might do it.

The bullying was largely ignored. My behaviour became extremely difficult to manage at school and home. In class I'd either withdraw or argue and refuse to do my work. Sometimes I was calm and participated.

My TVI (teacher of the visually impaired) identified that my self-esteem was worsening and that I had poor self-image and I received some input from an educational psychologist. But I never actually saw a doctor.

The short version of this is that at eleven I started at a school for the blind. It was what my parents and I wanted and everybody assumed that it would help. And I do think going there saved my life. I know if I hadn't, I would have killed myself.

But I didn't stop feeling suicidal and this is really important. I didn't stop because the route of these feelings was never actually addressed. And these mental health issues have followed me into adulthood.

In my life at least I've seen this attitude which presumes that if you don't follow through when you express suicidal thoughts, you're ok in the end. But we can't just say you are either dead, or alive and doing great.

We also need to ensure that support systems are in place for people experiencing poor mental health. I'm terrified to start therapy because my mental health issues and my blindness are somewhat connected, but I'm scared that a therapist won't understand how complex this is.

I'm scared that a therapist will presume that of course I was and am unhappy, why wouldn't a blind person be. Understanding mental health does not mean they understand disability in all its forms. I'm scared treatment will make this all worse.

But I'm also thankful to be alive. That I didn't end my life all the times I thought about it. That once, when I was seventeen, someone on the internet I hardly knew talked me out of it.

This is all so complicated. I don't pretend I have all the answers or even any of them. But what I do know is there needs to be more support services that are better educated regarding things like disability. We need to give people reasons to be alive.

I'm in the best mental health I have been in a long time. And honestly a lot of that is because of the pandemic. I feel terrible writing this because so many people are struggling.

But not going out means I don't constantly get touched and grabbed by strangers, something which happens regularly because I'm visibly disabled. It is extremely triggering for me and contributes to my low mood and anxiety.

Right now I experience what I suppose I'd describe as low level anxiety. A hum in the background, rather than the panic I normally feel. This won't last forever though.

I have no way of knowing whether, if I'd received adequate mental health support as a child, I'd have still struggled with this or not. But no child should be left dealing with these kinds of things without support. It shouldn't happen.

I'm sorry that this thread is all over the place, and for the spelling mistakes. Others have written so beautifully about all of this but I can't. I'm still trying to process the impact this has had on my life. But I wanted to share.

I absolutely believe in the goal of suicide prevention, of course I do. But so much of it relies on the suicidal individual reaching out, which can feel impossible.