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taking your kid’s door is never good parenting.
You’re telling your kid
they have no right to their bodies
no right to privacy
anyone with more power can violate their space
& force them to be naked in front of others
It’s prep for prison & abuse.
taking your kid’s door is never good parenting.
You’re telling your kid
they have no right to their bodies
no right to privacy
anyone with more power can violate their space
& force them to be naked in front of others
It’s prep for prison & abuse.
This is one of the most common emotional abuses perpetrated by narcissistic parents, because narcissism can’t allow a child to contradict them. Because the child is not a separate entity. Thus, any defiance, no matter how slight, is perceived as a deep insult to the parent’s ego.
Most of the time, it’s not conscious, because most narcissistic parents are simply not capable of seeing other people as individuals with their own needs, morals, priorities, and logic. For a narcissist, other people are much closer to non-player characters in video games.
For a narcissist, other people exist to provide praise and materiel, to perform labor and to be cannon fodder (and maybe a retirement fund). For which the narcissist can never express gratitude, because why would they thank a robot who exists only to serve them?
But when someone defies a narcissist, that’s specifically breaking the script. The robot just expressed free will. If one robot has free will, maybe they all do. And maybe they will rebel, or join together to treat the narcissist they way the narcissist treated them.
It’s rarely this exaggerated. The narcissist can rarely express their understanding of other people this clearly, because narcissism is a stall in emotional development, and the very concept necessary to express understanding of others (theory of mind) is a later development.
But defiance — no matter how slight — is the usual trigger for this kind of rage & punishment.
Which... is actually a normal teenage developmental stage. Adolescents NEED to develop their own sense of boundaries.
They need privacy, both for social and educational development.
Which... is actually a normal teenage developmental stage. Adolescents NEED to develop their own sense of boundaries.
They need privacy, both for social and educational development.
Their sleep needs alter — they need more sleep, but they need later bedtimes and later mornings.
Their complex thinking improves, while their sense of justice just explodes.
Their social needs grow while they draw away from their natal families.
And given pandemic?
Their complex thinking improves, while their sense of justice just explodes.
Their social needs grow while they draw away from their natal families.
And given pandemic?
The way most teenagers are maintaining their friendships is via games and social media. Teenagers are actually incredibly good at doing the emotional labor of maintaining relationships — better than most adults.
Humans do their social grooming by talking & hanging out.
Humans do their social grooming by talking & hanging out.
But that labor is primarily an investment of time in their peer circles. 30 years ago? We used the mall, landlines, and fast food stores. Now? We use games and tiktok.
A narcissistic parent of a teenager doing that labor? is highly likely to be jealous of how the kid invests.
A narcissistic parent of a teenager doing that labor? is highly likely to be jealous of how the kid invests.
Because not only is the robot expressing free will, the robot is expressing a preference for another, even less real robot instead of the person at the center of the universe.
Again — this is rarely consciously expressed.
And behavior need not be clinical to be dysfunctional.
Again — this is rarely consciously expressed.
And behavior need not be clinical to be dysfunctional.
And because (all) humans are very good at rationalizing our emotional reactions into something we can justify and call logic, we tend to suppress these negative feelings of jealousy & abandonment & ego insult so we can convince ourselves it’s about disobedience/safety/rules.
Maybe sometimes it really is.
Households need functional rules, and that function is critical.
But rules follow function.
In the parent-adolescent relationship? If it’s not something you’d have done with a college/20s roommate? It’s not something you should do with a teen.
Households need functional rules, and that function is critical.
But rules follow function.
In the parent-adolescent relationship? If it’s not something you’d have done with a college/20s roommate? It’s not something you should do with a teen.
If your roommate was in the habit of emptying the hot water heater, the reasonable reaction was talking about it, not turning off the water heater or the water.
A functional relationship with a teen is built on mutual respect. Being an authoritarian is the opposite of respect.
A functional relationship with a teen is built on mutual respect. Being an authoritarian is the opposite of respect.
Respect is not fear.
But to return to what started this: removing a door, or busting into a teen’s room? That’s not modeling mutual respect. It’s authoritarian bullying.
It’s rule by fear & emotional abuse, not respect for the household.
Even if that’s how you were raised.
~
But to return to what started this: removing a door, or busting into a teen’s room? That’s not modeling mutual respect. It’s authoritarian bullying.
It’s rule by fear & emotional abuse, not respect for the household.
Even if that’s how you were raised.
~
This thread goes with this one.
https://twitter.com/czedwards/status/1304156644641775617?s=21 https://twitter.com/czedwards/status/1304156644641775617
https://twitter.com/czedwards/status/1304156644641775617?s=21 https://twitter.com/czedwards/status/1304156644641775617
