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Today is world suicide prevention day
There will be thousands of well meaning and better thought out posts doing the rounds but here is my take...
Trigger warning y'all
There will be thousands of well meaning and better thought out posts doing the rounds but here is my take...
Trigger warning y'all
A mate messaged me this morning saying that he had heard what day it was on the radio and wanted to reach out to see how I was doing.
That's great isn't it!
This is what it's all about
That's great isn't it!
This is what it's all about
I replied thanking him, and I honestly and genuinely meant it.
Still do as well
I was touched and welled up because my emotions are frankly fucked to the point that any kindness can and will make me cry
Still do as well
I was touched and welled up because my emotions are frankly fucked to the point that any kindness can and will make me cry
But I also said
"Never say never"
Because I can't.
I can't honestly tell you that one day I won't just fucking end it all.
"Never say never"
Because I can't.
I can't honestly tell you that one day I won't just fucking end it all.
I've been really fucking down at points this year and "those" thoughts haven't surfaced once
Well that's not strictly true
In May I did have an internal conversation about how weird it was that I'm super fucking depressed and haven't thought about killing myself once
Then I had to do that thing where I purposely and deliberately don't think about it
In May I did have an internal conversation about how weird it was that I'm super fucking depressed and haven't thought about killing myself once
Then I had to do that thing where I purposely and deliberately don't think about it
I've tried to talk and write about it before but having suicidal thoughts is like opening a door in your brain that can never be closed properly again
When you go to the doctor's with depression/anxiety you have to fill a form out (do not refer to this as a quiz they won't laugh) one of the questions asks if you've thought about killing yourself
Once you have replied "yes" once to this your answer will never change
Once you have replied "yes" once to this your answer will never change
Once you have decided that option is on the table it's always there.
And it's not the answer, it's never the answer.
Someone far wiser than me once said that suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems and that's undoubtedly true
And it's not the answer, it's never the answer.
Someone far wiser than me once said that suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems and that's undoubtedly true
When I was 15 my 13 year old neighbour hanged herself.
That's a long ass story itself but that was when I realised that suicide was a very real and frankly tempting possibility
That's a long ass story itself but that was when I realised that suicide was a very real and frankly tempting possibility
I turned 41 last month and I've carried that knowledge with me ever since that cold March day.
I've seen the hurt and irreparable damage it leaves behind
If I try hard enough I can still hear her mother's screams from when she found out her daughter had died
I've seen the hurt and irreparable damage it leaves behind
If I try hard enough I can still hear her mother's screams from when she found out her daughter had died
But the knowledge is still there, I can get out of all of this any time I want.
There have been times when that has been a comfort. It didn't matter how bad things got because I had control of that.
The ex could do and say what she wanted but I had the trump card
There have been times when that has been a comfort. It didn't matter how bad things got because I had control of that.
The ex could do and say what she wanted but I had the trump card
I've had a lot of counselling and my life has turned around. I'm a happy functioning adult (lol) with a career and friends and hobbies and a whole wealth of other shit that brings me joy
But I can never say never and that's terrifying.
But I can never say never and that's terrifying.
So to end this ramble, reach out to people it doesn't matter if they need help or if it's you that needs it.
Tell people you love them and if you need to hear it I'll fucking tell you I love you and I'll God damn mean it because life is beautiful #WorldSuicidePreventionDay
Tell people you love them and if you need to hear it I'll fucking tell you I love you and I'll God damn mean it because life is beautiful #WorldSuicidePreventionDay
