CW: suicidal thoughts
It’s #WorldSuicidePreventionDay . I often see a threads about knowing that you are loved/have value when talking about this. This is absolutely true, & important. However I don’t often see it covered where people currently are incapable of feeling this.

I’m going to talk a little about my experiences and what can come after, as hearing that others feel the same used to help me. For my entire adult life, I’ve felt pointless, that my life is completely without merit, and my existence without value.

I used to joke that the moment of my conception was the worst moment of my life, and that it all went downhill from there. Needless to say, telling me that I had value was like trying to explain quantum mechanics to a duck. You’re talking about an incomprehensible thing.

This all reached a head personally, when I had a breakdown. I’ve had suicidal thoughts almost daily for nearly 20 years, but that spurred me to want to act. Two things stopped me, the second of which was a quote:

‘What we observe is not nature itself, but nature exposed to our method of questioning’

I would say that’s Werner Heisenberg, but I’m frankly not that smart. That’s Annie Blackburn from Twin Peaks, quoting him.

You not be able to see any value in your life or existence, but your line of questioning may result in that questioning. Would altering the questions change how you feel?

If you manage to break off from that, there is another side. For me personally, that involved therapy. For others it may involve medication, interventions, sectioning, counselling. There’s no right or wrong, and there’s no judgement.

It’s not easy, and it’s a long road. Personally, I’m 5 years in, and I’ve only just started. But if you can survive mentally tearing yourself apart for decades, you can survive confronting that, in whatever form that takes. You’re a survivor of the cruel tricks your mind plays.

It sounds contrite, but if you can survive that, you’re stronger than you realise, whether you want to realise that or not.

There can be another side, no matter how incomprehensible that may seem. And if you can’t imagine seeing the value in yourself that you can see in others, you can seek help to get there - if any of the above feels familiar, do it. There’s no such thing as too early.

I’m not going to lie: for me personally, I doubt I’ll ever get rid of those feelings, much as I’d love to. But you can make them quieter. I’ll take that. And I’m an idiot - if I can do it, you certainly can.

Anyway, that’s my experience. It might be entirely nonsense to some, but if it feels familiar to you, know that there’s others like you out there. That used to give me a nanosecond of recognition and reassurance.

Even if you don’t, I think that you rock.