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My miscarriage a thread.
When women I know talk about this it’s like some dark secret. Like a deep personal failing that feels impossible to talk about. The experience exists in whispers and in sentences that make it easier for everyone.
When women I know talk about this it’s like some dark secret. Like a deep personal failing that feels impossible to talk about. The experience exists in whispers and in sentences that make it easier for everyone.
Often you say that “you lost it” but even that feels like a commentary on your ability to mother or care take. I lost it. I couldn’t maintain a space for my child to grow.
Of course we know that’s not reality.
Of course we know that’s not reality.
There are so many reasons for a miscarriage almost all beyond our control.
But it doesn’t feel like that when it happens.
I went home for lunch. Had tea. An orange. I was doing everything right. Taking my vitamins. I wasn’t drinking , avoiding caffeine.
But it doesn’t feel like that when it happens.
I went home for lunch. Had tea. An orange. I was doing everything right. Taking my vitamins. I wasn’t drinking , avoiding caffeine.
This was a surprise but I felt like it was also a beautiful gift.
Then I went to the washroom and all I could see was blood. In that moment all I could do was scream. Try to bargain with God. Try to make it not real.
Then I went to the washroom and all I could see was blood. In that moment all I could do was scream. Try to bargain with God. Try to make it not real.
I called 911 and while the dispatcher tried to ask me questions all I could do was beg him to tell me what to do. Tell me how to stop it. On the way to the hospital in the ambulance I kept asking why this was happening and the paramedic just said that sometimes it just happens.
In the hospital I sat in the waiting room and I wanted to yell out that I just needed help. Clinging to some reality that a doctor or nurse could change this. It’s like the world was happening around me and I was just sitting there feeling life leave my body.
I’m writing this because I don’t think I’ve ever felt more alone. More alien. More at war with my body. But the feeling of shame was overwhelming and I felt like a failure.
I felt like a bad woman because what kind of woman can’t keep her kid alive.
I felt like a bad woman because what kind of woman can’t keep her kid alive.
A lot as it turns out. My age range has a 20-35 % rate of miscarriage. I didn’t know that because we don’t talk about it. We hide this loss in shame and silence.
I went home and just sat on a chair staring at my hospital bracelet. How do you mourn someone that barely existed?
I went home and just sat on a chair staring at my hospital bracelet. How do you mourn someone that barely existed?
I wanted that baby so much. My heart broke because it won’t happen for me. I share this because I know I’m not alone and because I hope others can know that it is ok to grieve and it’s not your fault.
Even if you were a mom for a week it counts. You count. And your baby counts
Even if you were a mom for a week it counts. You count. And your baby counts
