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I used to be a fundy Christian. You're taught to trust nothing but God, basically. Don't trust your own body, your desires, cos you're sinful. Don't trust government because they are not Godly minded. Don't trust science because they're non-believers who don't have answers.
The culture is full of fear, although they'd never admit it. You're taught to only take shelter in God and by extension, the Bible, and the leaders. "It's okay to question," they'll say, but when you continue to, it's your sinful nature being indulged.
You're scared of demons, scared of falling, scared of not doing enough for God, doing something wrong, scared of giving in to sin, of leading others astray and causing them to go to hell. You worry about unsaved friends and family.
Purity culture is SO real, and the shame surrounding anything sexual that isn't within a hetero marriage is The End Of The World.
Prosperity doctrine tells you that you need to give everything to get rewarded, and that reward is total prosperity - generally translated to $$$.
Prosperity doctrine tells you that you need to give everything to get rewarded, and that reward is total prosperity - generally translated to $$$.
Spirit of excellence tells you that you need to be excellent in all you do - faith without works is dead so you better work hard, give it all no matter the cost. MAKE IT PERFECT.
But there are moments of healing, and of total joy, too. Those are the bits that keep you holding on to the framework - bits of it work! And you'll thrash those bits to cover all the ways you don't feel good.
And it's so nice to feel included and part of something.
And it's so nice to feel included and part of something.
And the music - oh the music is amazing. It lifts you up and gives you a rush. It makes you feel deeply and feel connected. You feel like you can touch the face of God. It's a total high.
I always had a questioning mind. When we were told to submit a pre-written thing against marriage equality to the government, I didn't, it felt so wrong. I would get told off for getting sweaty while operating a camera on stage and sitting down where people could see me.
The final straw for me was I was attending a church that purchased a video production suite that was fancier than what my workplace - an actual TV broadcast company - had... But no foodbank...? I was burnt out, had performance anxiety, and felt totally out of place.
Anyway, I'm telling you a little of my story so those of you who haven't experienced the evangelical/fundy life can understand a bit of what it feels like to be in it. I can only share my journey, so it's a sample size of one, but I know I'm not alone. x
And if this has been triggering, or you're in the same place, or this has raised any issues for you, remember you can free text or call 1737 anytime to speak to a counselor.
