There's a gentleman on my train who has taken the train down from Edinburgh to London Kings Cross, and he has situated himself at the table in the seats in front of me, opposite a guy who was drinking 4 Kronenburg. Scottish guy boarded with 24 Buckfast and now has 4 cans left.

I am utterly petrified that he will try and talk to me as well, but thankfully Kronenburg guy is keeping him occupied for the time being

He is "fucking sick of Edinburgh. Full of junkies and space heeds"

He has informed Kronenburg guy, quite proudly, that he is "an alcoholic but not a space heed"

"I was in London for 2 months then back up to Edinburgh. It was payday with my universal credit on Saturday so I thought fuck it, let's go back to London"

He has informed Kronenburg guy that he has paid £74 for a ticket and has £200 left

He states that he has been on the train since 4.30pm, as he has repeated about - and this is not an exaggeration - about 30 times in the last ten minutes

He's very proud of Buckfast, and has given a can to Kronenburg guy, which is lovely of him

He's just gone for a piss and the Kronenburg guy looked round for some moral support, which I am absolutely not giving him

Kronenburg guy has now gone in the other direction for a piss, after promising Buckfast guy that he'd look after his stuff

Buckfast guy is back and now talking to, I think, nobody. I am certainly not looking up in case he's looking in my direction

Kronenburg guy is back now, thankfully, and is now being told he has nice muscles. Buckfast informs Kronenburg he is not gay, he's just admiring his muscles

Hand on heart, he is now singing the Proclaimers

He believes £74 for a ticket is a bargain, as he thought it'd cost about £150. He's desperate for a fag, and weighing up whether to have one in the toilets

Kronenburg guy is doing his best to dissuade him, but he may be fighting a losing battle.

Wait, he doesn't have a lighter, we might be ok here

Kronenburg guy has just, for some godforsaken reason, informed him that he's dropped his matches on the floor. WHY WOULD YOU POINT THIS OUT

He is very fond of Kronenburg guy. He is, as he has been multiple times during this conversation, "a fucking very good guy, man"

The discourse is still on the benefits of having a fag, but Kronenburg guy has now left his seat and I am very concerned about him talking to me

Buckfast guy has got up and wandered off in the other direction. Has it ended? Is it over?

He's gone for a fag in the toilets, hasn't he?

He has just returned but immediately walked past the table and carried on out the other end of the carriage

I think he may have gone for good. Absolutely no idea where he has gone and in absolutely no hurry to find out where

The conversation can be summarised thusly:
- been on the train since 4.30
- desperate for a fag
- hates Edinburgh
- Ppl from Aberdeen are "sheep shaggers" (bonus content)
- Buckfast is lovely
- Kronenburg guy is a top geezer
- Alcoholics > junkies

Update: he has still not returned but we have made our final stop at Stevenage and it's unclear whether he got off for a fag, or if he tried to sneak one in the bogs and got thrown off, or if he's still on the train

A train guard (those poor people) has walked quickly in the opposite direction to where I last saw Buckfast guy heading. Has she gone to summon backup?

Update: HE'S BACK!

He needs to find somewhere to stay, and has £200. He has travelled all the way from Edinburgh, man (we knew this already)

He's so happy about the fact we're almost at Kings Cross, he's started chanting. Kronenburg guy has told him to use his inside voice

Kronenburg guy is going for one final wee, so he's on his own again. He's saying words but I have no id a what they are

Final can of Buckfast, I think. He's spaced them out well, though he had four an hour ago so he must have absolutely smashed them in the first hour of the journey

He's still talking. I genuinely think he thinks Kronenburg guy is still sat in front of him

He needs a light because HE FUCKING NEEDS A FAG

He is now attempting conversation with the girl at the opposite table. She said nothing, so he's stumbled off back down the carriage

We're pulling into Kings Cross. I fully expect to find him face down on the platform having shit himsen

As I was getting off, he came bowling back down the train and asked me "is this kings cross?" I confirmed it was, he got off the train clutching his Buckfast shouting THANK FUCK and walked off in the wrong direction

I can hear him shouting in the distance but I'm sad to say this is the end of our journey together. Buckfast, hell of a drink