Yesterday a guy broke the internet by asking when a man is in his rights to call in the elders if his wife is denying him sex.

My replies dotted the comments, and I've been asked to put them in a thread.

So here it is--& grab tea! It's going to be long. https://twitter.com/RegReformedGuys/status/1303142149324767232

In our survey of 20,000 women, we found that sexless marriages weren’t caused by women just deciding not to have sex. They generally had other factors, including: husband’s porn use; sex feeling terrible (never orgasming); sexual pain; relationship issues.

Our results will be out in our book The Great Sex Rescue (Baker, March 2021), but in a nutshell, sexless marriages generally are not the problem; they are a SYMPTOM of another problem. Figure out that other problem.

Women in sexless marriages are 62 times more likely to be in the bottom quintile of marital satisfaction than the top. The marriage was rotten to begin with. Sexlessness is the SYMPTOM of something else going on. Often that SOMETHING is how she is treated in the bedroom.

In sexless marriages where the husband has the higher sex drive (so she is the one deciding not to have sex), over 78% had AT LEAST two of these problems: her sexual pain; anorgasmia; husband’s porn use; feeling disconnected emotionally during sex.

To put it another way, it is very rare to find a marriage where she can get aroused and regularly reach orgasm during sex, and where porn is not involved, and where she has no sexual pain, become sexless.

Statistically, sexlessness is not primarily a women’s selfishness issue.

1 of the most overlooked problems is sexual pain. Up to 7% of Christian evangelical women have suffered pain to the point that penetration is impossible (2x the rate of the gen. pop, due to our sex teachings to women). Up to 28% will experience major sexual pain. This matters.

As I argued these things, many men then commented that despite all of this, the commandment "do not deprive" does not give her the right to say no. This is EXACTLY the teaching that is in the majority of the top selling Christian sex & marriage books.

Women are told that they must have sex, and no caveats are given--nothing about pain; porn use; affairs; husbands not considering their pleasure; nothing.

But this is a misreading of both female sexuality and the Bible. When women believe this "obligation sex" message, orgasm rates plummet, arousal levels plummet, and libido plummets. Why? Because it's a rejection of them as people and of the intimacy that God meant for sex.

You see, the commandment is not that we have one-sided intercourse. Godly sex is not only about a husband's needs (despite what books like Love & Respect say); godly sex is MUTUAL, PLEASURABLE, and INTIMATE. Godly sex is a true "knowing" of each other.

But you can't "know" each other through sex if one person's needs or experiences are irrelevant. If it doesn't matter that she is in pain; that she is feeling used; that she is not experiencing pleasure; then sex won't be a knowing at all. It will be dehumanizing, objectifying.

The Bible does not require a woman to allow her husband to treat her like an object while ignoring her sexual needs. The Bible tells us that her needs and experiences matter just as much as his do. Mutuality is the whole point of the 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 passage!

Another common response I had was that women should just figure out how to make sex good then! I get it. That's why I wrote The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex & 31 Days to Great Sex. That's why I have a Boost Your Libido course & I'm working on an orgasm course as we speak.

I even have a free email sex pep talk course that women can take to figure out how to get more in the mood!

https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/sex-pep-talk-course/

But that can only take you so far. Her feeling good during sex is ultimately a two-person job. Most women do not reach orgasm through intercourse alone; they need a lot of foreplay, or they need to be brought to orgasm through other means. Without his help, she's left hanging.

We found that Christian marriages have an orgasm gap of roughly 50 points (actually lower than in secular relationships). The whole way of framing this problem is wrong. Why do we talk so much about women withholding sex, and so little about making sex pleasurable for women?

If I can be so bold, the sex that is the most likely to be deprived in Christian marriages is not men; it's women. Women are the ones the least likely to be experiencing regular orgasm!

https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2019/02/do-not-deprive-women-needs/

We need to change the conversation about sex in evangelical circles. Sex is not just intercourse; sex is the whole experience which is MUTUAL, PLEASURABLE, and INTIMATE, and where both people matter. When we stress his needs over hers, we change the very nature of sex.

And yet, women repeatedly told us that marriage teaching in evangelical circles and best-selling books made them feel invisible, like objects.

And that attitude is EXACTLY where the reprehensible tweet that triggered this thread came from. It's toxic.

In March, The Great Sex Rescue will fight this toxicity!

You'll find:
* Our survey results from 20,000 women
* An analysis of the terrible teachings about sex that have wrecked sex for evangelical couples
* Validation that you're not alone
* What God really intended for sex

To learn when you can pre-order The Great Sex Rescue (and there will be a FREE video group study to go with it), sign up to my email list so you'll know when it's out!

http://eepurl.com/z0VFn