It’s been almost 3 months since I shared that I was having physical symptoms of anxiety, a pounding heart rate + fatigue, thanks to @drjessigold and Forbes.

I feel like it’s time for an update as a reminder that doctors are patients too.

A THREAD: https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.forbes.com/sites/jessicagold/2020/06/12/i-am-tired-what-black-doctors-need-you-to-know-right-now/amp/

I never had anxiety before so at first, it was really disorienting to not feel like me. I immediately remembered all those convos I had with patients experiencing psychosomatic symptoms. It took time and understanding to find the right words. Now, I was saying those to myself. 2/

“You’re going to be okay. The physical symptoms are real; they’re not ‘in your head.’ It can take time to learn how to manage it. Eventually, you learn what makes it better and what makes it worse. You’ll learn what you need. Therapy can be a start to work on those things.” 3/

So I started therapy and cried through the first appointment, afraid that I had broken myself and frustrated that I had survived seemingly tougher situations and yet this is the period where I experience stress in my body. I was also scared. How long would it last? 4/

I identified two main triggers: 1) feeling unsafe at work due to past, challenging experiences and fear of future issues and 2) a feeling that I have so much to do and not enough time to get it done. My therapist asked, “what boundaries do you need at work to feel safe?” 5/

We identified them and I put them into practice. It HUGELY helped my day-to-day interactions. For the second, I started by completely disconnecting from all obligations: social media, outside writing and presentations, phone calls with friends, etc. I went to work and I rested 6/

As a chronic “doer”, sitting on the couch watching back to back seasons of reality TV really messed with my sense of self. It called me out on not only loving the work I do, but also finding identity in it. My couch time challenged me to see worth in my non-productive self 7/

I promised that when I re-developed the capacity to add things back in, I would do so from a place of peace, not striving. I would give from confidence in myself, not a need from validation. I also will not overload myself like I did earlier this year. I will use no w/o excuse 8/

Im now working on reducing my obsession with time and being on top of every notification. I stopped wearing my Apple watch, put my phone way for hours on the weekend, stopped checking work email on my phone. All of these steps allow me to feel less bound and controlled by time 9/

I feel my capacity is growing. I’m less exhausted. Less overwhelmed. I start each day with a few tasks on my to-do list. I take breaks in-between items. Today feels like a good day because I finished them all. Yet, my joy is not in productivity, but in listening to myself. 10/

I now recognize how important naps and water breaks are. I can better appreciate how distracting and stressful constantly checking stuff is. And I’m learning to be patient with myself and whatever this season (however long it lasts) has to teach me. /END