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Thinking a lot about this. Just...thinking SO MUCH about this. https://www.nytimes.com/2020/08/19/health/resilience-overrated.html
I told a therapist in Jan I was shocked I was having such horrific emotional reactions to a thing I was going through, since I've lived through so much objectively worse shit. She was like: "Maybe you used up all your resilience trying to carry everything you had to carry." FUCK.
I let stuff slide right off me from ages 0 to ~25, was so resilient I didn't even realize I was being resilient, didn't even realize upsetting things were happening — but that just meant it was all piling up and waiting for me on the other side :)
Anyway that feels like 2020
Anyway that feels like 2020
I can feel myself letting it slide off me even now, even knowing it'll come back to bite me — but it feels like the way to survive in the moment, y'know? But then I get hit by these waves. By how many people are gone. By Kyle Rittenhouse having defenders. And it bowls me over.
Anyway TLDR the grief of this year is too big to comprehend, and we all have our own histories & traumas on top of that. So it makes sense if you feel OK right now, and it also makes sense if you feel like nothing will ever be OK.
