i got a new therapist in february, checked myself into the brook in april, spent 2 months there in a partial hospitalization program, while still seeing my outpatient therapist, got a psychiatrist that actually listens to me when it comes to my medication (pt 1)

got on the right meds at the dosages, started speaking up for myself, have consistently seen my therapist for 7 months and in between those weeks i worked extremely fucking hard on myself. i advocated for MYSELF. because no one else would. it was my time. (pt 2)

the person that i was in january no longer exists. the person i was last month no longer exists. through literal blood, sweat, and tears, incredibly bad days, euphoric good days, and everything in between i can now say with confidence that i have come so far. (pt 3)

the reason i’m saying this is because i know. i know what it’s like to feel as if you’re never going to get better. you’re never going to find the right therapist, the right psychiatrist, the right meds, the right dosages. you feel like an experiment (pt 4)

you feel like the things you struggle with are just who you are. your mental illness is just who you are. but it’s not. it’s not at all. will there ever be a day that you don’t struggle? no. of course not. but you deserve better. (pt 5)

advocate for yourself. speak up for yourself. put people in their places when you know something isn’t right. and do. not. stop. exhaust yourself with yourself. with working on yourself. have patience with yourself. find something to live for (part i don’t know i can’t remember)

if you have nothing to live for, live for yourself. the one thing that picked me off my feet and pushed me to grow and get me as far as i could when literally all i wanted was for it all to stop was the fact that i wanted to prove myself wrong. (part 7?)

i wanted to prove to myself that i can have the life i dream of having. i wanted to prove to myself that if i just kept living, it would get better. i wanted to prove MYSELF wrong. i wanted to push myself past everything i thought i couldn’t do (pt 8)

it’s exhausting. it’s debilitating. it’s the hardest thing i have ever done. it was one thing to know i needed help and it was another forcing myself to actually do it. because i. deserved. it. (pt 9)

and so do you. i don’t care what you’ve done. what you’ve been through. who you’ve hurt or who’s hurt you. you come first. your help comes first. and that’s a hard realization to accept and an easy thing to say. but what’s easier is giving up. (pt 10???)

you give up and everything you’ve dreamed about is gone. you can’t live to see the life you wanted unfold. you won’t live to feel everything you’ve ever wanted to feel. you won’t have the chance. give yourself that chance. advocate for yourself. prove yourself wrong. (pt 11)

i did it. through OCD, through being bipolar, through having co-dependency issues, through ADHD, through sexual assault, through every failed relationship and ever failed friendship, the only thing i wanted was to prove myself wrong. (pt idk again)

and i did it. suicide awareness month is for everyone. it’s a split second or well thought out decision. but it’s a permanent one. just like mental illness. but you can’t learn to manage your health and you can’t grow or do more, like i know you want to (idk i give up)

if you throw it all away. ask for the help you need when you need it. you aren’t bothering anyone. seek out better resources, seek out better professionals, do. not. stop. no matter the circumstance. i remember the feeling of frustration (still don’t know)

the feeling like no one cares to listen, the feeling of not being listened to or heard, i remember feeling like i was never going to get what i needed. but i promise you, there is someone out there meant to help you. you just can’t stop. ever. (wrapping this up i promise)

working in a pediatric psych unit, having experience in hospitalizations, having experience in therapists and psych meds for 7+ years, i am full of resources. come to me. it’s always a safe place here. we can do this together. but stay. for no one else but yourself.

we will figure it out together. i promise.