multiple friends in the space of an evening mentioned being unable to do things like a) watch a 'serious / important' film & b) read a book cover to cover - i felt alarmed by how sad they sounded, how self-attack like it seemed (my therapist lives in my head now), like its a flaw

it is not. our relationship w reading / receiving art changes with where we are. as i reminded one friend, when our reality is so scary & dystopian, when the news is more absurd than the darkest comedy, its ok to cope in however way we can. we all manage anxiety differently.

one of the things that depression stole from me was my ability to read. i loved reading in high school + early clg, and now I can barely pick up a book, much less get through it. i can't watch serious films alone, i need company for most, alone its only TV & romcoms that I can do

when the world is so terrifying, more so for some, than others, hits you earlier in life or later - but if you struggle with depression, anxiety or both, so much of your energy is spent in just dealing w that - when we feel overwhelmed, we seek out comfort, safety and certainty

my beautiful, sharp, political, kind friend admitting shamefully, in hushed tones that she hasn't completed a book this year & then voice brightening, says 'superficial maybe but I enjoyed watching Schitt's Creek, Masaba Masaba & now, Gilmore Girls,' ok first of all they're great

it breaks my heart the way 'intellectual' knowledge is pedestalised (this is as much a self-reminder) to the detriment of everything else - as if we are automatons, as if we do not feel intensely how painful, how catastrophic to our mental & emotional health living in this age is

we are not designed to handle this level of info overload, my question in the last couple of years to every political artist / activist I've met - what occupies my life, my poetry is how to engage with the violence of the world, how do you change anything when you can't even cope

i have nothing but utmost respect + love for people who manage to do this - i hope to learnt it too - but in the meanwhile, to seek refuge in what gives you comfort, to find ways to manage your anxiety, it doesn't make you any less - we need to attend to ourselves the best we can

living w constant, debilitating anxiety has wiped out large remnants of my youthful elitism - it has taught me the immense value of kindness, to receive it & to try to give it. if you're politically aware & practice kindness, you are already doing LOTS, politics stems from this