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I've received feedback that I am "abrasive" and "difficult to work with", and even though no one can point to instances where I could do better, that feedback sticks with me.
Every time I enter a conversation, I wonder, "is this why they think I'm abrasive? Maybe add emoji
"
Every time I enter a conversation, I wonder, "is this why they think I'm abrasive? Maybe add emoji
"
Literally me:
"not urgent, not asking you to do anything, but can you please tell me a bit about what you're working on so I can fix an unrelated issue without disrupting your work? And thanks, btw, looking forward to seeing it launch!"
Literally them:
"I felt triggered"
"not urgent, not asking you to do anything, but can you please tell me a bit about what you're working on so I can fix an unrelated issue without disrupting your work? And thanks, btw, looking forward to seeing it launch!"
Literally them:
"I felt triggered"
It's taken me a long time to find the magic words in response to criticism: "Thank you for sharing this. I'm sorry I hurt you, and I want to help us reach mutual understanding through respect for each other. Can you share an example and tell me what would have helped you then?"
It shows:
- Gratitude for their vulnerability
- Validate genuine feelings
- Eagerness to improve the relationship
...while revealing bad faith behavior and sexism for what they are, to anyone aware enough to notice. https://twitter.com/saraislet/status/1302723169564856320?s=20
- Gratitude for their vulnerability
- Validate genuine feelings
- Eagerness to improve the relationship
...while revealing bad faith behavior and sexism for what they are, to anyone aware enough to notice. https://twitter.com/saraislet/status/1302723169564856320?s=20
Another notable piece of feedback: "You go through periods of moderate-to-high productivity separated by periods of extremely low productivity. Do you know why that is?"
Yes. I'm demotivated by wondering how much more I could get done without systemic oppression.
Yes. I'm demotivated by wondering how much more I could get done without systemic oppression.
We will always face speed bumps of one kind or another. Everyone has experiences like this, and everyone needs skills like this.
Systemic oppression is in the statistical distribution and in the nature that these disproportionate behaviors are reinforced by our /systems/.
Systemic oppression is in the statistical distribution and in the nature that these disproportionate behaviors are reinforced by our /systems/.
How this should go:
"Not urgent—can we have a chat so my work won't disrupt yours?"
"Yes, please: last time this happened, I wasted days of work and was still blocked"
"Ouch, I'm sorry. I think we can find a better compromise."
"Let's do that. 2pm?"
"Sounds great, talk then!"
"Not urgent—can we have a chat so my work won't disrupt yours?"
"Yes, please: last time this happened, I wasted days of work and was still blocked"
"Ouch, I'm sorry. I think we can find a better compromise."
"Let's do that. 2pm?"
"Sounds great, talk then!"
What took me a long time was realizing that even when it's bad-faith and sexist criticism, gratitude and validation are still valuable responses.
Deal with sexism later. Deal with bad faith behavior later. Stick to feedback best practices in the moment. https://twitter.com/saraislet/status/1302723169564856320
Deal with sexism later. Deal with bad faith behavior later. Stick to feedback best practices in the moment. https://twitter.com/saraislet/status/1302723169564856320
On a related note: learning how to give and receive genuine feedback from a foundation of mutual respect is a critical skill for growth
But when it's affected substantially by bias, it is not mutual respect https://twitter.com/rondoftw/status/1302717016046878720?s=19
But when it's affected substantially by bias, it is not mutual respect https://twitter.com/rondoftw/status/1302717016046878720?s=19
