Shortly after these photos were taken (I was 15), I attempted suicide for the second time and was institutionalized in Piedmont Behavioral Health center. A home for "at risk youth". I remember when they checked me in, I weighed in at 110...I was in the throws of anorexia and

bulimia, drugs and alcohol and insanely risky behaviors. I no longer cared about my life. I was put in the "Acute Ward" for weeks on suicide watch and double meals. Everything was taken away from me. I was alone and scared and entirely broken. I wrote a lot through these weeks

and months. It's very difficult for me to read through those journals but there is so much insight there.
Piedmont was my first experience with professional therapy and counseling. For the first time in my life I was able to identify and give voice to the traumas that were

triggering these behaviors and was given the tools to heal. One therapist in particular told me something so pivotal, and although it took me years to truly grasp it and do the work required, it changed my life. She said when trauma takes place, our essence gets stuck in that

moment. We freeze in that exact moment and our minds, our bodies, replay that trauma over and over and over again. We begin to form our identity around it. It becomes a sick little friend. A comfort even. But although we don't get to choose what happens to us sometimes in this

life, we absolutely get to choose whether we continue to be victimized by that person or those events. They happened, we were a victim of someone else's choices, we cannot change the past. But when we replay the trauma over and over, we revictimize ourselves, creating deeper

damage and even more trauma resulting from our unhealthy behaviors and coping mechanisms. It's a viscous cycle. But at that point, it is no longer the aggressor or the trauma causing the pain, it's us. BUT, we can release the trauma and retrain our brains not to continuously loop

the traumatic events and hold us hostage.

It's done.

I wish I could say I left Piedmont and went on to live a beautiful healed life, but that's not what happened. I stayed stuck, I attempted suicide 2 more times. I went to jail twice for DUIs. I continued doing a shit ton of

drugs and engaging in ridiculously risky behaviors. One day I'll tell the whole story because it truly is unbelievable that I survived. God wants me here, He has a purpose for my life. My point is, healing like that doesn't always take place over night. But eventually it did

click and I was able to release all the trauma and pain and forge a new kind of intestinal fortitude and strength. My spirit was broken over and over...by others, by my own choices, by life overall.
But I overcame. I am not a victim, I am a victor.
We have a choice.

I still struggle. It's a daily choice. And when the trauma pops up into my mind, I immidiately release it. I don't entertain it. I don't explore it. I don't use my imagination to create scenarios that don't exist. I release, refocus, and walk the fuck on.