The island of Tokelau has a population of approximately 1500 people. I have approximately 1850 followers. I say we invade.

Okay I’ll split it into four groups of around 450 and I’ll email you all the spreadsheet tomorrow. Invasion begins 29/08/2020 at time 00:45am UK Time. See you all soon

Booking flights to Berlin as we speak. I’ll find a connecting boat ride to New Zealand tomorrow. Picking up the necessities along the way

Here is phase 1

12:45am UK time see you all there soon

Five minutes to go where the fuck is everyone?

Dozens of angry Tokelau people in my replies. Calling off the attack and faking my death as we speak

I’ve had over 1000 notifications in the last 63 minutes because of angry replies. I will lie low in New Zealand for a week

New Zealand folk aren’t happy with me either. I’ve met a cool dog though. Planning on stealing a plane and flying to Switzerland for the weekend and then coming home

Just stole a plane

Left the dog in New Zealand but heading to Switzerland now

Made it to Switzerland. Parked the plane on the pavement outside this pub I found. Having a pint with the locals. They keep saying ‘wer bist du' or something like that. Some nice fellas round here.

been a fun couple days. 18 password reset attempts on my phone. Three Swiss chaps added me on Facebook. Probably meet up again soon. Getting back in the plane and going to pick up the dog in New Zealand, then heading back home to England.
Should be over soon

Picked up the dog from New Zealand. Back home now. Woke up the neighbours pulling the plane in on the drive at 5:43am. Macklemore blasting through speakers. Plane been confiscated by the police anyway. Passed out on the kitchen floor.

Phase two will go on. I can’t tell you when. It’s been an honour. This battle isn’t over. Football Twitter will remain undefeated. I’ll see you all soon. Here’s the plan for Phase 2 for now, on a small island of South-West Tokelau.