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So, another thread regarding mental health, and my perspective. As fairly recently ive quit cigarettes and started to exercise by going for runs, someone told me they're proud of me. I know they meant it in the upmost positive way, encouraging me, supporting me, etc. Continued..
How could I possibly have a different view? Is probably what some of you are asking. I'll explain. This is not about them, it's about me and how I feel differently about the overall situation. Being in a relatively good mental space, compared to my past, running now was easy.
Going for a run felt like a blessing, that I loved seeing kids playing in the park, that I was enjoying the beautiful day, etc.. it was like I was treating myself or rewarding myself. I was so thrilled to be feeling good mentally, that going for a run wasn't hard at all for me.
What was hard for me, was experiencing the quantity and severity of pain I constantly lived with seemingly my entire, as long as I can remember, mental and physical. Forcing myself to soldier on and go to school, then go to work, deal with the world dismissing my pain.
If you want more specifics on my pain, DM me, but the point being is this. That merely surviving and being alive was so painful for me, for roughly 15-20 years, that im proud that I was able to still keep fighting. That I kept searching for solutions. That I kept trying.
So if you're experiencing anything close to 1/1000th of what I went through, and still do to some extent, all I can ask is to keep searching for how to get better, even if it feels like there's no hope of getting better. Know I've been there, and that I think I see a path now.
Sorry, anything close to me, or worse, or even 1/1000th. Not trying to say no one can have had it as hard as me, im positive many people have actually had it far worse than me.
To bring it back to the initial point, sure, im proud I went for a run today, but I view it as more of a reward, a blessing. It felt easy for me. That I was just so happy to be feeling happy. It didn't feel like a challenge to me. My whole life has been a challenge. This was easy
I still go through ups and downs, each day I don't really know how im gonna feel, on the whole and at any moment throughout the day. I think im finally seeing a path to finally enjoying life, and not dreading waking up in the morning. Sleep apnea diagnosis seems to be a big part.
I now think my ADHD, and my sleep apnea, both undiagnosed until fairly recently, the ADHD being uncovered a few years ago, and sleep apnea being uncovered 6-7 months ago, are the two underlying causes of my experiences.
It's important for me to say I am absolutely not trying to minimize the experience of anyone else. Life is hard, for anyone. If pushing yourself to exercise seems difficult, than I absolutely think it is difficult. That goes for anything really. We all have unique experiences.
Also, it's important for me to say that it's important to not be ashamed of not feeling good. As rosy of a picture I paint of my current mental place, i still struggle with a lot of things. If you're not feeling good in any way, share how you feel to someone you trust.
Feeling ashamed of how youre feeling, that you think ppl will judge you for it, or diminish your feelings, or even criticize you for it, compounds the pain youre already feeling. I've experienced all that and still do. I've been called lazy, weak, etc.. even by ppl close to me.
The best advice I can give is to find someone you trust, who's non judgemental, and will truly listen, and to open up to them. I attribute my growth to being vulnerable and loving myself unconditionally. Sounds simple but can be extremely challenging. I get it.
I would arguably say the biggest turning point for me is when I finally completely opened up to this one social worker, when I laid all my cards on the table. Still felt shame, but at least it was all out there. People can only help what you show or talk about. And be patient.
I know I've been ranting and I barely know what im saying anymore. If any of this applies to you, or even doesn't, and you wanna know more. DM me. No pressure and no judgement either way. Pressure and judgement were two awful things for me to deal with on-top of everything else.
Last things I want to reiterate, is that if you're feeling pain, thats it's ok for you feel what you're feeling, to not judge yourself for it. Your pain is hard enough, whatever it is, at any level. Compounding it with judgement and pressure just adds to it. And talk to someone.
Ok im gonna take a break from this rant,.hopefully i got everything I wanted to say out. Im confusing myself and it would beneficial for me to take a break. I've definitely repeated myself lolol. So break time.
