Supporting others with #MentalHealth can be difficult, and boundaries are important.

However, I want to disentangle "I am reaching my limit in my ability to support" from "I refuse to put energy into supporting, so you're the problem."

Thread - Identifying a gaslighter. 1/

If you do not want to engage in #MentalHealth allyship, that is OK. However, you have to call it what it is.

Do NOT call the person struggling a burden because YOU refuse to put in effort/inconvenience yourself.

Below are my experiences being gaslit for my #depression:

2/

1. You claimed to have "done everything" to support me.

Reality: You engaged in ZERO action items, which could have included:

- Educating yourself w/ literature, MH professionals etc.
- Learning the bureaucracy of professional help
- Assisting in day-to-day tasks (ex. food) 3/

2. You said my short temper made me an overall disrespectful person.

Reality: I continually BURDENED myself to educate you about how struggling with #depression AND adjusting to my antidepressants would cause swings in my mood and physical well being. 4/

2 (cont). Admittedly, there were instances when I was indeed disrespectful while depressed, but acknowledging the role of pain and struggle in another's behavior is basic compassion.

Scolding the person in pain rather than communicating your own boundaries is a bad look. 5/

3. You claimed I refused to help myself and lacked independence.

Reality: I made multiple psychiatrist appointments to obtain my medication, and continually searched for an affordable therapist (all on my own) on top of adjusting to life in a new city. 6/

3 (cont). Recovery is NOT instantaneous, but rather takes A LOT of effort, time, and struggle. Side effects of medication can be painful. Finding a therapist is full of bureaucracy.

It takes SUBSTANTIAL independence and strength to engage with that journey. 7/

4. You compared me to other people and stated, "I knew [another person] who struggled with [different mental illness] and they managed fine, why can't you?"

Reality: Everyone has varying struggles and privileges that make their journey unique. 6/

4 (cont). You can NOT directly compare the experiences of separate people, let alone experiences with DIFFERENT mental illnesses.

A longer and slower journey can be due to differences in financial situation, support network, biology, and more. 7/

I did not recognize this behavior as gaslighting at the time. If anything, I continually apologized for being in pain beyond my control. I BELIEVED I was a burden and unworthy of love.

8/

I write this thread because people who struggle with #MentalHealth are gaslit OFTEN.

I hope #MentalHealth allies will read this thread and be EDUCATED about boundaries vs gaslighting.

I hope people who are struggling will be reminded that they are ALWAYS worthy of love. 9/

Overall Reality: I was undergoing a NORMAL HUMAN struggle, and showing A LOT of strength to fight a disease beyond my control.

Let me summarize my thoughts with the tweet below

10/10 https://twitter.com/xiaofei_lin/status/1294387378556006400

CC: @AcademicChatter @OpenAcademics @PhD_Balance @ZJAyres @pyromanticism @SusannaLHarris @CA_AstroComm @krwedemeyer @thoughtsofaphd