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Your perfectionism may be a trauma response.
For those of us who grew up surrounded by alcoholism and abuse, we may have internalized a need to be 'perfect'. I recall doing regular things and having something insignificant trigger the abuser into a state of mayhem, rage, and physical intimidation.
I learned to embody a level of perfection that could never be questioned or derided. I did it because I thought the abuser's reaction was my fault, that it was because of my missteps.
It wasn't. It was a result of their addiction and their volatility. It was because of their illness. As a child, I internalized the belief that being 'perfect' and being 'excellent' was the only way to prevent the emotional abuse and the volatility in our environment.
These beliefs were further reinforced elsewhere. In fourth grade, I was doing poorly in school. A teacher intervened and as my grades improved, I realized that being the best in school would provide me positive attention I craved. My addiction to overwork and 'excellence' began.
It's taken me years to unpack this relationship with perfectionism. It's taken me time to find a healthier more sustainable approach to how I work and how I show up in the world. Yet, as we know, healing happens in layers.
I recently found myself crippled by negative feedback. I began attacking myself internally. It took me a few days to realize that what I was reacting to was not actually what was happening in the moment, but was a trauma response to this learned behaviour from my childhood.
My husband shared that he saw a meme that said, 'perfectionism is a trauma response'. I felt so much shift. I was able to process the pain I was feeling with compassion having realized what it was truly rooted in and I slowly found the calm and perspective I needed to breathe.
