I wasn’t sure if I was going to post this (because... *gestures*) but it’s worth the awareness that might help others.

Conflict and Spotlight anxiety are terms I use for simplicity, but in general I have diagnosed gen/social anxiety and panic disorder.

(Expanded info below.)

Preface: I’ve been this way since I was little. You probably wont see it, except in my placid, doormat nature, or in the shadow of a deleted tweet. Time has taught me my triggers, but the reaction is instant and unpredictable. As an adult, it’s also not the explosion one would-

- imagine. I’m better at hiding it now. At worst, it’s awkward for others as I suddenly go very quiet, or prickly and stand-offish, as I pour every ounce of energy into maintaining a stable exterior and minimize the shame as best I can. Hopefully, you’d never notice.

Conflict Anxiety
My mom jokes I only had to get in trouble once. It’s me crying silently on the phone w/ my psych because of a change in his tone of voice, or the “my heart might explode” level panic attacks at even the slightest confrontational tweet, or -

- shutting down entirely if someone yells at me, or my body aching from the literal desire to run away any time there’s a tense conversation in my vicinity, or crawling inside myself when someone yells at a videogame.

Spotlight Anxiety
This is the joy destroyer. Embarrassment to me is the white hot pain you feel when you bump your head on the cabinet door corner. It’s the “please don’t even acknowledge me, I’ll crumble” feeling. It’s why I can’t take ski lessons with my SO, or banjo lessons -

- for myself, or do courses, or have someone show me how to do anything. The risk of total internal collapse is too high. To unwillingly be singled out is to dip my body into lava, and I wish the earth would swallow my body to relieve the pain.

Whenever these moments happen, I fold into myself as best I can until I can excuse myself. I am a very tepid person, my emotions generally don’t budge much in any direction. So these sudden explosions of emotion really fucking suck and are super confusing and embarrassing.

If you take anything away from this, I hope it’s this:

There are internal battles you may never see that someone could be fighting. Please try to be (reasonably) kind.

(Not that I blame anyone but my chemistry when this happens. It’s irrational. But kindness doesn’t hurt.)