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For totally no reason, I'm going to thread some things I've learned the hard way in my ongoing journey to become less of a "well meaning" asshole to WoC & especially Black women in my life, publicly& privately. I'm not an expert but maybe this will help some fellow white women!
When I choose to engage with women who are not white, either professionally or as friends, if I refuse to acknowledge my whiteness and their lived experience, I am often (usually? Always?) doing harm. What work have I done first coming into those interactions?
Have I studied common microaggressions? Am I familiar with the concept of racial fatigue? Have I spent time unpacking my internal bias or interrogating stereotypes I've assumed were true?
Some ways that I have learned a lot about the lived experience of marginalized people in general is to follow activists on Twitter and then DON'T ENGAGE WITH THEM. Don't try to make funny jokes that assume an intimacy we don't have. Don't "correct" them. Don't demand labor.
I've also sought out groups where PoC have intentionally joined in order to do the labor of helping white people unlearn racism, with links to pay them for their labor. So that if I have a question, I'm asking someone who has opted into that work.
I have a white accountability group, and several white friends doing justice work on whom I regularly lean to help me through things I might be tempted to ask a Black woman's help with.
If I am feeling real real guilty and itchy about my privilege and want to Do a Big Public Justice so people pat me on the back and tell me I'm One Of the Good Whites? I pause and do not do the thing. Instead, I see if there's a BIPOC led action taking place that I can support.
I work in a very white profession with a lot of white women who want to be white knights and feel good about themselves by asking Black women to be their token spokesperson. I have been that white woman.
If I happen to have a platform because I failed upward& got praised for comfortable white mediocrity, & I use my platform to give space to Black women, I sure as shit better make sure I center them, celebrate them, and get myself out of the way. I sure better not harm them more.
If I see WoC having a discussion that does not include me? I can let them! I do not have to interrupt, intrude, or reminds them I exist. It will not harm me in any way to not insert myself in the center of everything.
My impact matters, my intentions don't. If I harmed someone, they don't have to forgive me. I don't get to demand they make me feel better. I gotta sit with the fact that I did something racist, and figure out how not to do it again, and how to make amends. Not apologies. Amends.
I can interrogate my friend circles, my social gatherings, my church, my hobbies, to see if they are all or mostly white, and work on finding out why. That means making myself and those spaces safe FIRST not just inviting PoC and having them be harmed.
I listen to podcasts. Podcasts are great because you can talk back to your phone but the hosts can't hear you so you can't embarrass yourself being a clueless racist asshat. It's a great way for me to make sure I'm hearing voices outside of those mainstream media allows.
Things I often hear my fellow white women say, re: their interactions with non-white people include, "I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells to not offend them." I MEAN have you considered they are walking on eggshells to not get killed? It's fine. Walk on some eggshells.
Better to have to actually think about the shit that comes out of your mouth first, than harm someone! Not complicated. Basic manners.
I can't remember what the next example was of shit people say, I'll come back when I remember it.
I can't remember what the next example was of shit people say, I'll come back when I remember it.
Oh! I've also taken classes, like LaQuette's Writing the Other. Take it if you can!
How do I know doing this work won't kill you even when it feels hard? I've screwed up. I've screwed up on here! Some of y'all have seen it happen, or called me to the carpet for it.
How do I know doing this work won't kill you even when it feels hard? I've screwed up. I've screwed up on here! Some of y'all have seen it happen, or called me to the carpet for it.
I hope I've admitted fault with grace and I know every time I've thought at length about ways I can do different, and then practiced DOING different. It does feel like shit! It does not feel like as much shit as misogynoir feels.
It's okay to feel shitty about yourself for awhile when you hurt people. That's an okay thing to sit through so you can stop hurting people.
