so yesterday my day began w/ someone i haven’t seen since HS, who interacted multiple times with a post where i explicitly came out as a trans man, messaging me asking for my opinion as a “woke lady” on an article about “being a man,” bc he himself “still pees standing up”

i‘m tweeting about it because: a few years ago i wouldn’t have been able to message back, essentially, “hey, i’m a trans dude and i know you know that, this is not okay.” and even if i had mustered that up, his reply — “teach me!!” — would have convinced me to try.

i do try to teach cis people about the trans experience sometimes. probably more than i should. i have complicated feelings about it, along the lines of “a man’s gotta have a code,” that i wouldn’t hold anyone else to; those feelings mostly lead me to frustration.

on the other hand, occasionally someone does listen! and often it makes me feel better to try, even when it doesn’t make a difference; even when it becomes obvious that the person i’m talking to is just looking to waste my time, or make me feel like shit, or both.

when my husband, who is much better than i am at just telling people to learn to goddamn google, asks me why i do this, i never know how to reply. sometimes i say “if i can change one person’s mind that’s something.” sometimes i just shrug & panic-moonwalk away like nick miller.

the “good” truth here is: i try to teach people bc i want desperately to believe they CAN be taught. despite everything, i really do think that’s true, though it’s more about luck & timing that what specifically is said; i‘ve seen cis people learn, grow, & change on trans issues.

but mostly they don’t. for a long time felt guilty about that, like it was a personal failure, which is the “less good” truth of why i try to teach cis people about trans life: somebody has to, & often i feel like the trade-off for getting to live my life is my having to try.

when i came out to my grandmother & she wept, i was told, “what do you expect?” when coworkers misgendered me, i was told “what do you expect?” so part of me, when faced w/ cis people behaving badly on trans issues, thinks “what do you expect?” & feels obligated to try to teach.

but yesterday morning, clear-eyed, i looked at the words “teach me!!” just below one of the more obviously shitty, bad faith messages i’ve ever received, and hit the block button.

then i went &enjoyed some delicious coffee made by my wonderful husband, in the lovely home we’ve built for ourselves in this weird little apartment. it didn’t all disintegrate the moment i turned away from that conversation; it’s still here today, & (hopefully) will be tomorrow.

i am neither the first nor, i’m sure, the last to put forth the notion that u don’t have to educate every person who comes along & demands it of you. many others have written abt it far more eloquently before, as this experience is not at all (not at ALL) unique to trans people.

but in case i’m not the only one with “what do you expect?” running constantly through the back of my mind: it’s okay to expect more from people. it’s okay to expect to be treated with decency and respect. anyone who tells you otherwise is looking to get away with something.

i’m sure i’ll keep trying to teach cis people abt trans life, but i’m learning, too — from my husband, from countless others who have struggled w/ this. i’m learning to value my time, to say “please type ‘how to be a trans ally’ into google dot com and just read all the results.”

and i’m learning that the cis people who say “what do you expect?” or the cis people who say close-minded things and then demand “teach me!!” when i refuse to accept them — what they really mean is “i don’t think you merit more than this.” and honestly? f*ck that.

i’ll be here feeling trans joy in my trans home with my trans husband for as many precious days as i am granted — that’s what i expect. maybe it’ll teach someone something or maybe it won’t. either way, it’s what i’ll be up to.