I'm really struggling with this chapter of lockdown. The partial return to normality -- the expectation of a return to normality -- feels brutal and strange.

I'm struggling with the big gaps in people's perception of risk and vulnerability. Some folk are going on holiday to France, but I still haven't seen more than dozen people total in person since March. I can't make sense of these different realities.

I'm struggling with the levels of suffering and deprivation in my immediate social circles. I can't support everyone around me who needs support. That's before I even think about what's happening on national and global scales.

I'm struggling with the slow seeping away of community solidarity. The tide of neighbourliness and mutual aid seems to have ebbed. It's left behind more structures of support, which is good, but I miss that sense of connection in crisis.

I'm struggling still with not having done a live performance for five months, and likely not being able to do one for another five. It's a huge part of my life, something that gives me value and strengths, and it's just not there.

I'm struggling with how small my world has become. I'm lively, curious, adventurous; I live for new sensation. I love having followed the few dozen birds in my local park from egg to adulthood, but I still feel trapped.

I'm struggling with my own inhibitions, my own fear of returning to the world. I could probably see more people, go outside more, do more than I am -- but I'm tired and scared, and it's harder to get past my anxieties.

I'm struggling with the ever-present knowledge that it didn't have to be like this. That in countries with a better and earlier lockdown, life is now much fuller and richer again. That this story will repeat.

I'm struggling with the fear of a second wave, a fear of winter like never before.

I'm struggling with the cumulative, grinding effect on my mental health. The lack of reprieve. I'm not in a deep depression, but my body feels like I've been in crisis for months: the tiredness, the ache, the vulnerability. Because I have been in crisis for months.

I'm struggling with thinking every day, "I don't know how I can keep going," and then every day finding a way.

(Thank you for all the comments of solidarity, the shared feeling. I'm not feeling very able to respond but I'm glad of the company. xx)