GOVELLER’S TRAVELS

Aug 20th 1727

The author gives some account of his voyage to the metropolis.

With the smart of their arrows still upon my face all in blisters, a six-inch Honey Monster appeared before me, but on closer inspection it was a tiny Boris Johnson wading through

my chest hair. He stood at my right nipple and produced his credentials close to my eyes, but even at the size of a second-class stamp I could see he was just showing me a second-class stamp; A petite Priti Patel then subjected me to an Australian Style Points Based Immigration

System Test: the void of my soul and my aspic-spine over-qualified me for Pritizenship and at such a time as her enjoying the sight of the prodigious tattoo of my wife Sarah astride a Kawasaki sports motorbike on my chest ended, we heard a shout. A migratory ship full of young

people with aspirations had been sighted, and to the great rapture of the locals, sunk under the ordnance of their coastal cannons; the helpless nomads all drowned, and while claiming that it was those who would take them in who were to blame, the Lilliputians mourned them.

Absorbed in this macabre pretence, they relaxed my cords to such a degree that I was able to turn and ease myself with making water, which I very plentifully did; the torrent fell with much noise and violence from me to the great astonishment of the little people, who fled with

varying degrees of success. These circumstances disposed me to a profound sleep. Upon the moment I had been discovered, five hundred carpenters and engineers had been set at work to prepare the greatest engine they had: a seven foot wooden frame upon twenty-two wheels, and nine

hundred of their strongest men, by cords and pulleys, now raised me onto it, but sadly, due to Lilliprexit, the fifteen hundred three-inch horses employed to draw me had been unavoidably detained in a lorry park. All this I was told; for, while the operation was performing, I

slept beneath the force of a soporiferous medicine; by the emperor’s order, the miniature for incompetence Chris Grayling had infused several thousand Valium in my drink, but unsure which tablet beginning with V to administer, he had dispensed a parallel sum of Viagra too. Thus,

engaged by the potency of the latter, my emergency Lady Di tea-towel was rigged to the honourable member for Surrey Heath, and I was sailed to their metropolis instead. This they hailed: a bona fide Lilliprexit dividend.

1727

With thanks to @MrJunkerBarlow for unearthing this incredible image.