I do not want folks to take away from this that "Corey did not do enough planning." Corey was meticulous in their planning. They thought about scenarios endlessly. (thread)

Corey's decision-making involved many factors that people with more privilege do not need to worry about.

1. They were physically disabled. They were autistic. They had mental illness and CPTSD. Their ability to plan for such abrupt early death was limited.

A scenario of planning for their early, sudden death would be intensely triggering and difficult, and it would take precious mental, physical and financial resources away from meticulous, detailed planning Corey needed to LIVE, to survive.

We would often discuss how hard it is to live with trauma and CPTSD, chronic illness, and all the rest of things we talked about together. In the end we'd say to each other, "but we survived. We are alive." This was their focus. Staying alive. Their planning energies went there.

So I do not want people to go "what we take away from this is that disabled people need to be better planners," because that's not the right direction. The right direction is, we need to fucking reform society so that people wouldn't need to die early, preventable, cruel deaths

So that's one.
Second, Corey's decision-making was informed by their desire to be fiercely independent, to be autonomous, as a disabled person. This was a part of their feeling of dignity, their gravitas and their self-respect, not to be manipulated or controlled by well-wishers-

--who wanted to control their disabled reality, because that is dehumanizing and it is true for so many disabled people that we value our independence fiercely. It is tied to humanity and dignity, to not being seen and acted upon as an object.

Corey was a careful, thoughtful, nuanced person. They were a deep thinker. They spent a lot of time agonizing over what each decision to accept help meant for their identity, their dignity, their sense of self, their humanity.

Corey was frequently dehumanized by medical professionals, by therapists, by social workers, case workers whose SALARIED JOB it was to help them and others like them to have independence and dignity. And every time it happened they had a trauma flare and needed to deal with that

Thinking about making a will would involve thinking about all the people who wronged them, all the people who were casually cruel, the scenario of being failed unto death, this scenario with all its terrors and indignities, and it was too much to hold right now.

Third, Corey valued consent above everything. To be Corey's friend was to be SEEN, seen very deeply. They were so keen on respecting people's boundaries, spoken and unspoken. They often felt that involving their (always) multiply marginalized friends---

--- in huge decisions related to responsibilities was a thing that was too much for their friends, who often struggled themselves, an unstated but felt boundary. I do not know if Corey would think it was *ethical* to make such a huge ask from anybody but an intimate partner.

and yet, Corey's last long-term intimate partnership did not work out when they became more disabled.

So no, it's not a simple thing of "just make a damn will and make sure you designate a person."

If you can, sure.

IF YOU CANNOT THEN YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE

Corey did the thing they could, which was accessible to them, the much more complex and intricate and difficult and wonderful thing. They made friends and community. They mattered deeply to people. And now their community is taking care of them.

This is what is happening.

However, if you are in a position to make such arrangements, it is a very good thing to consider. Also please don't die, everyone, I cannot take it anymore.