Thread by @theKevinGarcia_, TW: I wanna talk about suicidal ideation and struggles real quick.Thread/ I [...]

TW: I wanna talk about suicidal ideation and struggles real quick.
Thread/

I believed for a long time that it was my duty to rid myself of my homosexuality

. And I was told that if I didn’t, I’d either go to hell OR I’d be alone for the rest of my life.

And because I couldn’t get rid of those feelings, I thought it was my fault.

Even though I never chose my sexuality, because it’s not a choice (which it pains me to have to state something so obvious), it was my responsibility to overcome my sin with the help of the Holy Spirit, and that help looked like the result of becoming straight.

How did I tap into that mysterious power? FAITH! Just have faith! Just hold on, be faithful, keep your hand to the gospel plow, give yourself to God and He’ll give you the desires of your heart.

No steps or actual proven practices. Just YOU CANT DO THAT.

Now in my teen years I wasn’t as worried. If I was faithful as a teen and young 20something, I knew it would pay off in spades later on.

But it didn’t. My attractions grew stronger, and the more I tried to push it away, The more shame I felt whilst feeling my natural feels.

“I must be broken.” That’s what I thought. We all had sinned and fallen short of the glory of God but there must be something so bad. I didn’t want to be gay. I didn’t want to be gay SO FUCKING BADLY. Something must’ve been *especially* wrong with *me.*

Or maybe deep down I WANTED to sin? I wanted to be gay? How could I want something that was so evil if God was my center? If Jesus lived in my heart since I was 9, why did *i* have to feel this way?

I did everything I knew to do to demonstrate devotion and faith. I even gave up my life to go be a missionary with many illusory promises that God’s power was big enough for the miracle I needed. And all that experience did was pull me deeper into self disgust

It wasn’t until I was on the other side of the world when something clicked on me.

I’m on so much pain. I’ve done everything they told me. I’ve done everything they’ve asked. Everything You asked, God, and I’m miserable. Please tell me there’s another way?

But I couldn’t see it

All I could see was my sin, which I was powerless to stop, and a white Jesus figure shaking his head in disappointment.

I made my plans. I had no job to leave. I had no lover to betray. My family would be fine.

I attempted to end it twice.
I’m not gonna go into details.

But suffice it to say, Im not sure how I got back home the second time.

And after that second time I asked again.

Is there another way? Cause either I need to sign on to being celibate or I have to figure out how to square being gay with my faith, cause it’s not going away.

I asked, and I didn’t hear a voice but I had a feeling. A subtle “yes” in my spirit that knew there was another way.

And I was right.

There was a better way. And I got the theology and psych help I needed along the way. Now, fast foreword to now, and back to the topic,

I think it’s a misconception that folks who survived their attempts are suddenly joyful all the time and saved or whatever. I’d argue that, if I’m being really fucking honest, many of us still think about offing ourselves.

Myself included.

And you know what, I for one need to normalize that. Wanting to die is a feeling that sometimes hits me. Shit feels overwhelming and there are moments when it crosses my mind. And I say, “yeah, that’s a thought.” And then it goes on like all my other thoughts.

I’ve heard from some folks that they have had a similar feeling and feel bad saying it out loud because it makes people worry and people make you feel bad about making you worry, PLUS they wanna instant fix you.

You know what’s helpful when someone says they are contemplating?

“How long habe you felt this way?”
“That sounds hard, tell me more.”
“I’m so sorry. I love you. Can I hug you?”

And if they tell you it’s serious,
“Just as a point of safety, have you made a plan? Do think you’re gonna hurt yourself?” And then call in help.

But for the rest of us! Those of us who feel bad about this passing thought or even the mood that clings to us, and maybe you’re a person with serious chronic depression and you ALWAYS feel like dying...

I’m here to just say that it’s normal. We are all having the thought.

It’s not a brokenness in you. It’s just an option like any other. And if you’ve rubbed up against death, you know it’s not as scary as most folks think.

Over this pandemic, I’ve had many moments where I’ve just been overcome. Where the gloom sticks. Where I don’t want to do it.

And I know I’m not the only one who is hurting.

So if you are out there and you think no one cares, fuck that noise, I care. I love you.

I believe you have a purpose on this planet. You wouldn’t have come here otherwise. You are vital to Gods plan for saving the world.

The Love of God is incomplete without you.

So if you’re struggling I want you to reach out to someone, or reach out to a helpline like @TrevorProject or @TransLifeline.

I share all this for two reasons:
-mental health is a bitch. Watch yours and call in help when you need.
-the theology that sent me down this fucking terrible dark hole was rooted in evangelicalism. And it’s still alive today in things like Bethel’s changed movement.

So. Take care of yourself. Don’t be ashamed of your thoughts or feelings. And fuck evangelicalism.

okay imma go eat some beef and broccoli now

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