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Thinking about this tonight: adoption as a system is filled with so many positive words and ideas on the surface.
But when you scratch that surface just a little bit - whoops! Look at the ugly bits!
But when you scratch that surface just a little bit - whoops! Look at the ugly bits!
The thing I find hardest to understand is why in the world none of the ugly bits ever seem to occur to non-adoptees? Like, at all. Never crossed their mind. Not once.
Why is that? Why would that be? Why are their beliefs in adoption as a system so very entrenched?
So much so that the mere mention from an adoptee of anything with even a whiff of the ugly leads to an outpouring of disbelief. Of scorn. Of mockery. Of outright nastiness.
So much so that the mere mention from an adoptee of anything with even a whiff of the ugly leads to an outpouring of disbelief. Of scorn. Of mockery. Of outright nastiness.
Why? Is the whole facade so very fragile that one person recounting their own lived experience and the fact that it was not, in fact, made up of unicorn farts and rainbow sprinkles can bring the whole structure down?
I mean, that's demonstrably untrue, given that adoption is still a whole thing, that the demand for babies and children is still off the charts high.
High enough that people still resort to stealing children to sell on the adoption market. Like so: https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/oct/30/adoption-separated-migrant-children-pro-lifers-deep-disrespect-for-maternity
High enough that people still resort to stealing children to sell on the adoption market. Like so: https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/oct/30/adoption-separated-migrant-children-pro-lifers-deep-disrespect-for-maternity
*Important to note that the 2nd story contains these sentences:
"Families who adopted children are considered victims in the scheme, according [to] Kees. Parents who adopted children will not be forced to return them."
"Families who adopted children are considered victims in the scheme, according [to] Kees. Parents who adopted children will not be forced to return them."
And in the penultimate paragraph, these:
"The news outlet interviewed women from the Marshall Islands who said they never expected to sever all ties with their children before handing their kids over to parents in the United States."
"The news outlet interviewed women from the Marshall Islands who said they never expected to sever all ties with their children before handing their kids over to parents in the United States."
But the story does not say whether or not these women, these mothers, are also considered victims.
It makes the victim status clear for the adoptive parents - but not for the mothers.
It makes the victim status clear for the adoptive parents - but not for the mothers.
Think about that. Think about what it says, what it means. Think about who it centers, and who it dismisses.
Just for a second, imagine that you are a teenager who has discovered you are pregnant. Naturally, you turn to google for information, for assistance, for guidance.
Say you google the phrase "options for a pregnant teenager".
Say you google the phrase "options for a pregnant teenager".
The first result is a Planned Parenthood link, which sets out options in a very straightforward way, with language not colored by opinion, but only a plain list of options.
The second link is from the American Academy of Pediatrics, healthychildren dot org.
It also sets out a list of options, but well, can you see a difference here? https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/teen/dating-sex/Pages/Teenage-Pregnancy.aspx
It also sets out a list of options, but well, can you see a difference here? https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/teen/dating-sex/Pages/Teenage-Pregnancy.aspx
Scary statistics about teen parents. Brief discussion of kinship care that also seems to highlight the possible negatives rather than positives.
And then, adoption.
"Over 2 million couples are currently waiting to adopt, love, and care for a baby in the U.S.—which translates into three dozen couples in line for every child placed for adoption."
"Over 2 million couples are currently waiting to adopt, love, and care for a baby in the U.S.—which translates into three dozen couples in line for every child placed for adoption."
See the difference in language? In tone?
See how it uses only positive language to subtly set the mood?
Adopt, love and care for a baby. Your baby. The baby you aren't sure you can care for right now. But they can. They will. Adopt, love and care.
See how it uses only positive language to subtly set the mood?
Adopt, love and care for a baby. Your baby. The baby you aren't sure you can care for right now. But they can. They will. Adopt, love and care.
Followed by the statistic that with over 2 million couples waiting to adopt, that translates into three dozen couples in line for every child placed for adoption.
Three dozen!
Why that's 36 couples who would LOVE to adopt your baby!
Three dozen!
Why that's 36 couples who would LOVE to adopt your baby!
You could pick and choose! You could choose the absolute perfect couple for your baby!
Again, see the subtle tone here?
That with 36 couples just desperately competing with each other in order to get a baby of their own - well, wouldn't you be selfish to deny them?
Again, see the subtle tone here?
That with 36 couples just desperately competing with each other in order to get a baby of their own - well, wouldn't you be selfish to deny them?
It's just one baby. And you're so young, you can always have more. Look at the wonderful thing you would be doing for one of those poor, desperate couples.
Why, you'd be a hero! You could turn this whole story upside down and come out with the knowledge that you've done such a wonderful thing!
Positive words. Positive ideas. No ugly bits here!
Positive words. Positive ideas. No ugly bits here!
So why is it that one organization (PP) can talk about the options in such neutral tones, and the other can't seem to help inserting positive words and ideas into the adoption option?
Why would that be?
Why would that be?
I'll leave it to you to look at funding sources for each organization, but the gist I get is that money talks.
Adoptees feel this to be true in our very bones. Some of us know exactly how much we cost, we've either seen the receipts or our price tag is just part of family lore.
Adoptees feel this to be true in our very bones. Some of us know exactly how much we cost, we've either seen the receipts or our price tag is just part of family lore.
The entire system is set up to benefit people who can afford the price tag. For those who can't - well, take a stroll through gofundme pages and you'll find dozens, hundreds of fundraisers for adoption costs.
The entire system is set up to monetize adoptees. To commodify us. From the moment of our birth, but in many cases, also almost from our very conception, we are considered a product.
We are bought and paid for. Either outright, or at a minimum, emotionally.
We are bought and paid for. Either outright, or at a minimum, emotionally.
"You don't know what I went through in order to adopt."
Scratch the surface of adoption, the system, and you'll find the ugly bits. The entitlement. The claimed ownership of our stories. The centering of adopters always instead of adoptees.
And you wonder why we're angry?
Scratch the surface of adoption, the system, and you'll find the ugly bits. The entitlement. The claimed ownership of our stories. The centering of adopters always instead of adoptees.
And you wonder why we're angry?
We are fed the narrative our entire lives, well into adulthood, that adoption was something that was done FOR us. For OUR benefit.
We are told our entire lives that we are blessed. That we were saved from who knows what. That adoption was for our own good. It was done FOR us.
We are told our entire lives that we are blessed. That we were saved from who knows what. That adoption was for our own good. It was done FOR us.
And yet, so very many of us feel in our very souls that adoption is something that was actually done TO us.
That we had no say. That we had no choice. That we had no voice. Without our consent. Without our knowledge, in some cases.
That we had no say. That we had no choice. That we had no voice. Without our consent. Without our knowledge, in some cases.
But dare breathe a word that the ugly bits exist - that WE, the adoptees - have a different view of adoption than the accepted narrative that is pushed in every medium, in every way possible that adoption is only filled with positives - and suddenly, we're the bad guys.
Angry. Ungrateful. Messed up. In need of therapy to get over all of our "issues".
We ARE the ugly bits, once we grow old enough to find our voices.
We ARE the ugly bits, once we grow old enough to find our voices.
We ARE the dark side of an industry set up to be a one-way street to benefit one swath of a population while actively denying another swath their basic human rights to their heritage, their history, their genetic family across generations.
More and more of us are finding each other, and one day, our combined voices WILL be too loud to ignore.
One day, the ugly bits will all be laid bare.
And I, for one, can't wait for that day to arrive.
One day, the ugly bits will all be laid bare.
And I, for one, can't wait for that day to arrive.
